Flowers and Letters From a Dying Man
by Runa Luna
Summary: 15, Ritsu found out he had cancer. 25, he meets Takano-san again and faces the decision of telling him about his illness or keep him in the dark until the day he dies. Previous Title: A Purple Lilac and 12 Years Worth of Letters. Disclaimer: I own nothing
1. Chapter 1: Willow

**A/N: Okay this is like now probably the finalized edited version of chapter 1 . So much editing... =.= Anyways to those who are new: welcome! And to those who aren't: welcome back! First fanfic, first chapter, 100th time editing it...Anyways, **story go go go!****

_Chapter 1: Willow_

_I love him. Not only are my feelings real but they're serious. Yet this one sided love is fated to be a forsaken one and I know nothing will be able to change its fate. _

_=.=.=.=.=  
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"Can I... hold you?" His husky voice resonated right through my entire body as the intentions of his words left me speechless. My mind went completely blank, but the only thing that knew exactly what it wanted was my heart.

Thinking back, this moment was probably the happiest and most regrettable memory of my life. If only I knew what this relationship would later become, I wouldn't have been in this situation. But even if I had known the truth, I wouldn't have minded because the feelings that were occupying my heart at this very moment were filled with innocent and naive thoughts, blinded by illusions of happiness as I burnt in a fire of emotions. That's why the moment I replied to his question, I thought I would lead a life filled with happiness until the end of my days.

Although the present me knew this would never come true.

While his feelings hung there, I watched my hands tremble over his shoulder as it gripped the white clothe covering senpai's skin. Taking one last shaky breathe, my voice barely a whisper, I gave him my answer.

"Yes."

That night was the first time I've ever done something so embarrassing in my entire life. The mere thought of last night's events left me thinking it was really all just a dream. Luckily for me it wasn't; it was all real. With just that, I couldn't help but feel blessed to be able to make love with my unrequited crush; with Saga-senpai. My mind was flustered but my heart was overflowing with happiness.

However, I could do without the waves of exhaustion and the excruciating pain that washed over me the next day. Walking around was difficult enough, but I was also suffering from a headache. Even my joints were aching and I just wanted to go home and collapse in my bed. If I had to face senpai right now, under these circumstances, I would've died from the shame of our actions last night, so instead of going to library like always, I went straight home.

Entering into a private residential area, I went through the gate with the plate that read "Onodera." I was greeted by the modern Georgian house that I called home. Although the size of the house wouldn't be considered normal, most of it was filled with books due to my father's job. Running the successful publishing company called Onodera Publication, my current love for literature was due to my father's influence from a young age. My parents are the poster people of stereotypical parents; kind and caring. But with the fact that we run a successful business that bears responsible for hundred or thousands of workers there, I felt the pressure as their only son and heir to the company. I felt overwhelmed and burdened by it all; especially with having a fiancée while I was in love with Saga-senpai. Although my fiancée had confessed she had feelings for me, I owed her the truth, the truth about my own feelings, leaving out the fact that the person I was in love with was a guy. But even after this mess was cleared up, nothing changed between our engagement as our parents had control over the whole thing. Even though I pitied her that she held feelings towards such a worthless man, I knew my feelings would never change.

As I walked into the familiar building, I noticed both father and mother were waiting for me in the living room.

"I'm back."

"Oh. Ritsu, you're home early." The petite woman, who I call mother, greeted me, placing her cup of sencha tea on to the glass coffee table before her. "Come here dear. We need to discuss your future plans about studying abroad."

The topic of studying aboard was one of the few topics that left me agitated over my parent's control over my life. These times I felt like a bird trapped in a cage, a puppet being pulled by the strings of status and power. For once I wished they would give me the freedom of choosing where I wanted to study and who I want to love. To ask me to study abroad, when I was finally together with Saga-senpai left me devastated about the thought of leaving him for who knows how long. "Okaa-san, I thought I already told you, I don't want to go!"

"What are you saying now? You know your father had already planned to have you study in America when you turn 15." She motioned me to sit down as I dragged my feet over.

My father, who had been silent as he read his book, finally took a moment to look up at me. "Ritsu, I know this is a lot to ask for, going to a foreign place but I need you to get your act together as the heir of Onodera Publication." It wasn't the first time I heard the "heir" speech. Believe me, it always comes up when the topic is about An-chan (my fiancée) and I and how we need an offspring to continue the Onodera legacy.

"I'm tired. Can we talk about this another time?" I was at the limit of exhaustion and stress; there was no more room to add on to it, especially more family issues.

"Honey, you look kind of pale, are you not feeling well?" My mom's voice asked genuinely concerned.

"Just a slight headache; I think I just need to rest a bit. Excuse me."

Before they could even let out another word about studying aboard or my headache, I scurried away to the spiral stairs and into my bedroom. Peace and quiet welcomed me who had already collapsed onto the bed.

_Studying __aboard...__How __can__ I __leave __now,__ when__ senpai __and__ I __finally __d-did__ THAT!_ My thoughts suddenly turned back to the memories of that night. Scarlet red replaced the pale face my mom described me having as figments of senpai's passionate eyes filled my mind.

_"...I__ love__ you,"_ was what I thought I heard senpai whisper before I fell into a state of unconsciousness last night, and again now.

=.=.=.=.=

"We are going out, right?" Again, I had come to the familiar but empty house of Saga-senpai's. Again, we made love, more stimulating and more passionate then the first. My heart was on fire and the idea that we hadn't confirmed our relationship yet had been pestering me for some while.

"Huh?"

"Because senpai, you never say anything." Embarrassed by his confused reply, my face flushed crimson red. "Saga-senpai, do you... do you love me?" Anticipating his answer, my heart was beating as fast as a wolf going for the kill.

"Pfft."

_...!__ He __laughed__ at __me! __What?__ Why! __Could __it __be...__he __was __just __playing __with __me!_ Reality hit me like a bullet train. All this time, the memories that I kept so dear for these last couple of weeks, were all lies; lies that were skillfully played out with me in the palm of his hand. To him, this must have just been an amusing game of tag, watching me running in circles after him when he himself wasn't running at all.

Humiliation washed over me as I struck senpai from behind. In the process of escaping, tears trailed down my face making everything a cloudy blur. I ran as fast as I could and not once looking back― I wasn't able to see Saga-senpai run out and call out for me. His voice was muffled by the distance and the wind that carried my name further away from my ears'.

Maybe it was because of all the running and tears, but when I entered my house, a rush of nausea and dizziness swept over me clouded my vision. Dizziness tripped me as I found myself lying face flat on the floor. The sound of briskly rushed footsteps found their way to my ears, concern filling the air.

"Ritsu... Ritsu... Ritsu," I could hardly make out the voices yelling my name. When I tried to open my eyes, I could only focus on my body's rising temperature, heating up as if I was lying under a scorching sun. I felt the drench clothes that covered me and my sweat, run along my neck. It wasn't the first time this has happened; occasionally, I would sweat like crazy when it wasn't even hot in the room. At first my parents fret over it but I would tell them it was nothing, settling their minds for a while until another attack like this came again. I wanted to say it was fine, that everything will be back to normal, but this time I was scared; it had never been this bad before.

Before I blacked out, I could briefly recall my father yelling at someone to call 119, my mother calling out for me to stay awake, and me calling out for senpai in the darkness as I was transported into the hospital.

Leukemia: _"a__ disease__ concerning __the __bone __marrow__ and__ other __blood-forming __organs __in __which __that __they __produce__ more __immature __or __abnormal__ leukocytes __than __normal__ blood__ cells," _is what the dictionary defines it. But the only meaning that rang through my mind after hearing that word coming from the doctor's lips was death.

"Your son has leukemia." Blunt and straightforward was how the doctor gave the diagnosis as he watched the reactions of the Onodera Family. The scary thing about doctors is that they don't hesitate and get straight to the point without batting an eye, and there were no exceptions given to this case. "It has developed into a stage in which our hospital- or any hospital in Japan- can't cure. The only technology that seems suitable to take care of it is in a hospital located near Los Angeles, California. But even in a best case scenario, your son may only live into his late-20s, give-or-take a few years. At the most, he'll live until he's 27."

"He's going to die? Isn't there anything you can do to cure him?" Forgetting his own position, I watched my father break down as his voice rose up at the doctor.

"We usually recommend a bone marrow transplant but as he has no relatives other then yourselves, we couldn't find any suitable match that fits Onodera-kun."

At this point, my mother had broken down into a hysteric mess as my dad tried his best not to beat up the doctor who was just doing his job. And all I did was sit there, blankly looking out the window, lifelessly watching the willow tree rustling against the wind. Looking at my reflection in the window, I saw a pale fragile boy with lifeless olive green eyes that resembled the man standing behind him. That moment I knew that the happiness of the last couple of days had abandoned me like everything else.

Every step my mother took towards me was like a knife piercing through my heart. Tears started falling and the pained face worn by my mother made me feel apologetic for all the pain I was causing them.

"Ritsu," her voice barely a whisper, "please, for the sake of your health, and for us, go to America."

The decision I made in the past about not going to America was now void to both my parents and to myself. It wasn't a matter of my education now; it was my life on the line. I owed it to my parents, who gave me life, to try to strive for it. And, under all these circumstances, it was a great opportunity to get away from the drama... and Saga-senpai.

Plastering a fake smile to cover all my pain and sadness, I could only manage a simple "Okay."

=.=.=.=.=.=

_04-04-1998_

_Dear whoever finds this letter:_

_I have decided to write letters for the remaining years of my life I have left. Although it may be sudden, by the time you read this letter, I will probably be gone from this world as I know these letters would never be in the hands of someone else if I was alive._

_These letters, of which I will write more in the future, will probably act as a will or something of the sort. Right now, I am currently a 15 year old boy faced with cancer. It has been a month since I found out I had chronic lymphocytic leukemia, a month since I arrived in a hospital in America, and a month since I broke up with my first love, Saga-senpai, a man. Even though we were together for a short time, my feelings were serious; after all, I had been in an unrequited love for him for 3 years. But they were all in vain. _

_Although my feelings were torn apart by him, my heart still yearns for him and my mind still refuses to accept the truth. That's why, I'll forget him. The memories we once shared shall be buried in the back of my head and deep within my heart until I can no longer remember the feelings of love or pain. That's why, I swear, I'll never fall in love again._

_Sincerely,_

_Onodera Ritsu._

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**So my friend and I fixed my chapter up a bit and hopefully its better compared to before. Thanks to my friend who is helping me edit my chapters and to the new peoples, I'm jumping 10 years later in the next chapter to the time when Ritsu is working at Marukawa**. **Anyways I'll see you guys next time. Bye~Bye! ^^**


	2. Chapter 2: Azalea

**A/N: Thanks for all the positive reviews guys. And yes, I would like to apologize about the whole Misaki thing. Misaki is from Junjou Romantica (For those who don't know, another of Nakamura Shungiku-sensei's work ^^) and I so happen to be reading some Junjou Romantica fanfics before writing a Sekaiichi Hatsukoi fanfic, which was probably a realllyy bad idea =.= Then again I'm glad that you guys pointed it out so I could fix it, so thank you :) Well anyways, chapter 2 is here so... Story go go go!**

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********So I have added and altered some things in this chapter but nothing too big... I did add a couple of paragraphs in the beginning though and... stuff like that.********

_Chapter 2- Azalea_

_I'm trying to control my beating heart but in reality, it'll be the one controlling me._

_=.=.=.=.=.=.=_

Years have gone and past, days in the hospital filled the rest of my teen years. Like I promise, I have written dozens of letters that have made themselves my treasures. Although most of the time I was undergoing health tests, I made sure to find some time to write a letter every so often. I kept most of them inside a treasure box, only a piece of string kept them neatly in a pile.

8 years went by, and the doctors had given up on me. The best they could do was to help try to extend the time I had left; even if it was only just a second longer. I knew that I was running out of time and I didn't wanted to rot away doing nothing when I knew I was dying every second. At the age of 23, I asked my parents a very selfish request: To let me work as an editor. Although I knew I was in no condition to do so, it has always been my passion to work with literature. They were obviously against it, but when I told them that I wanted to at least make a small mark in the world, they gave in, still very much hesitant. There condition, however, was that I was to work in Onodera Publication's so that they could keep an eye on me.

When I was 23, I was getting fed up by the constant attention of my parents. They kept giving me all the best-selling authors while my co-workers talked behind my back since I was using my dad's power to become successful. Realizing that it was because I said I wanted to make a mark in the world, I knew they interpreted it as wanting to become famous. Though that would be nice, my real goal was to publish something by my own skills that I could be proud of, without anyone's help.

Before I turned 24, I ran away from home. With the money I made during the year I was in Onodera Publication, I bought myself an apartment complex. It wasn't long until my parents found me, striking another deal for their permission to let me live alone. I was only allowed to live alone for 2 years and had to go back home every so often. For my 24th birthday, they told me that they would keep paying for my rent until it was time for me to return. I also got their permission to continue working as an editor but at the age of 25 I had the freedom to choose where to work.

A year has passed since my parents let me live alone and I have started working for another publishing company; Marukawa.

Morning came and my pale complexion stared at itself in the reflection of the mirror. The weak man standing inside heaved a heavy sigh of weariness as the sun peaked out and the same routine had to be performed. I reached out for the white case sitting on the table that carried pills taken for the oral chemotherapy I was ordered to do everyday by my doctor to help stabilize my health. Taking one of my life's extension cord, the bitter after taste of the pill was left behind even after I tried to wash it out with a glass of water. Fludarabine, chlorambucil, cytoxan, rituxan; I have no idea what the hell they mean or what these pills do, but it's the only thing that has kept me alive for these last 10 years.

_Right now I'm 25, so that means... One more year to live alone, two more years until I die. _The idea that my hour glass was running out of sand grains wasn't as scary anymore; I mean I already saw it coming 10 years ago. But, what scares me the most right now, is the fact that I returned back to Saga-senpai's side. Who would've thought that Saga-senpai, my first love, was my new boss and my one year neighbor that I didn't even know existed, Takano-san.

For these last past years, I've tried my best to forget him; I even forgot his face to the extent I didn't recognize him when we first met again in Marukawa. It was him that recognized me, and even kissed me twice; first for "work" and another to jog my memory. I hated him for both. What makes me so angry is the confidence he wore when he declared he would make me fall in love with him again. What a bastard! But what pisses me off the most about this whole fiasco, is the fact that my old feelings I've tried so hard to lock up, has resurfaced again, and this time I don't know how I'm going to keep them away.

_Ritsu, you can't fall in love again. You're just going to hurt yourself. _The little voice inside my head warned.

_And, who knows how hurt Takano-san will be if he finds out the truth... if you ever get back together that is._ This time it was the voice inside my heart. Either way, both knew that someone will be hurt in the end.

Reaching out for my beige jacket and turning my door knob, I took a step outside only to be greeted by a clicking sound on my left. When I turned to look, I was greeted by a stoic Takano-san. Remembering the conversation with myself, I briskly walked pass him only to be pulled back.

"Hey, is that how you greet your superiors?" Takano-san's glare scolded me as I turned to face him.

"G-good morning..." I mumbled under my breath. What bad timing! And what the hell is up with his cocky attitude! Did he not notice me wanting to get as far away from him as possible? Especially by the after effect he gave to my heart with his declaration yesterday.

"I can't hear you. Say it louder or else," revealing his true colors, giving a tug on my arm, he scooped me into his arms, only inches separating our faces apart, "I'll give you another taste of my lips." I seriously despised that mischievous smirk placed on his face while blood came rushing into my face. To think I was in love with this person!

"Good..."

"Good?"

"GOOD MORNING!" Screaming into his ears, I pushed him away, bolting to the elevator before he could get on. Collapsing on to the ground, I tried to calm my beating heart.

_Stop. Stop! STOP HEART! Ugh...why is it that every little thing that guy does makes me feel this way? Especially when I know it's just going to hurt much more later on if I continue to let my feelings be mixed up. _Burying my face into my hands, I could only let the frustration slowly calm down in the form of tears as they reached the corner of my eyes.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

_Stupid Takano-san!_ To think the calm Saga-senpai turn into that fucking bastard is still impossible to comprehend! Then again, I have to admit that I changed quite a bit as well. Given the situation I was in and all the drama, it was more like I forced myself to turn into the person I am now.

Fighting everyday, provoking each others patience, and our latest argument was about my "half-ass" proposal. But thanks to him, I was able to re-gather the materials I needed for my proposal. If only it weren't for that kiss, I would've been grateful. Although irritated as I was about everything since coming to Marukawa, I can't remember how long it's been since I was able to openly let out my thoughts to someone for so long.

_I wonder how long these days will last._ A sad smile fixed itself on to my face as I thought about the little time I had left. Thinking about the little incident in the office, I thought back about Yokozawa's appearance during the kiss scene.

_"Masamune is mine."_ Yokozawa's words from this evening rang inside my mind. Why did I have to get tangled up with Takano-san's love life? Our relationship isn't even like that! I mean, Takano-san is only teasing me. I'm suppose to feel relieved that Takano-san is taken, but his words made me feel so rattled and hurt; especially how Yokozawa calls Takano-san by his first name. Was Takano-san and Yokozawa really dating? And why does it bother me so much? No, Takano-san being in a relationship was for the best. Anyways, I shouldn't even care whether Takano-san is dating anyone; man or woman. At least he won't have to be hung over me when I die. It was better if my feelings never even came cross to being exposed. Yes... it's for the best, for everyone.

I heaved a long sigh. Gosh, if I have time to think about all this, I might as well drown myself into my work. Heading to the manga section of Marimo books, I grabbed all the manga my hands laid on.

"Huh? Is that you Onodera-kun?"

Turning around to see who called out to me, I saw the appearance of my old co-worker Saeki-san. When we were both working together at my father's company, she was the only one who treated me as just another co-worker. If I was interested in love at the time, Saeki-san would probably be the first candidate, that is, if she didn't have a boyfriend.

She invited me for dinner which I kindly accepted. We talked about our jobs and our daily lives. It was nice to be able to talk to someone about this kind of stuff. Leave it to Saeki-san to make the other party feel comfortable.

As we continued to look back in the past, I was not prepared for the sudden sharp pain against my chest. Clutching my own shirt to hold back the urge to scream in agony, I could feel my own mouth trying to gasp for air into my lungs. I breathed in short intervals, but the pain in my throat still continued to burn.

"Hey, Onodera, are you okay? Oi! Onodera!" Saeki-san noticed the change in my breathing and was now crouching by my side. She reached for her phone, ready to call the paramedics but I grabbed her hand before she could press the call button.

"I-I'm fine." Catching my shaky breathing, I assured her to put her phone down. "I just need to take my pills. T-they're in my bag."

Coming back with a blue pill case, I trembled trying to open it, only to be pitied by Saeki-san who opened it for me. Taking two white tablets, I quivered like a leaf against a strong wind as I placed them into my mouth to melt. Having Saeki-san as my support, I rested my head against her shoulder as she helped me drink a glass of water. Trying to stand up, I regained my balance on my feet while clinging on to Saeki-san's shoulders, only to have her trip herself.

"Ah!"

"Watch out!" Catching her in my arms, it was my turn to be her support as we both clung on to each others weight. To an outsider's point of view, it may have looked like a couple hugging, which is exactly what Takano-san thought as I met eyes with him.

"Takano-san I found seats over here!" A beautiful woman called over, although Takano-san's gaze was still fixed on the scene.

Giving us one glance, he walked over to the woman, his back facing us.

Saeki-san finally regained her composure and started to drag me outside to catch us a cab to the nearest hospital, still frightened by the event. Grabbing my stuff, I didn't notice the pair of hazel brown eyes following after me as I left the bar.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Takano-san was with a woman; not like I cared or anything. But, wasn't he dating Yokozawa-san? Were the rumors about him being a player really true? If they are, then that means he really was playing with me. Still, was he really like that? I remember in high school he was always expressionless and serious, which hasn't changed at all, but he didn't seem like the player type. Though, I guess that means that I'm not the only one he has loved; probably a good thing too, you know, for when I die.

_Ah... It's raining._ I rushed inside the apartment building after paying the taxi cab driver. Saeki-san was assured about my health when I told her the doctor said I was fine, leaving out the fact he actually said that my heart was stabled again but my condition is worsening. Other then my family, the Onodera household, and An-chan, no one knows about my illness; and I hope it stays that way. If anyone else I cared about knew about it, on the day of my death, I wouldn't know how to let go of lingering feelings of guilt and regret towards them. Especially if that person is someone I'm in love with. When you fall in love with a person, you have to lay bare in front of that person. And right now, the thought terrifies me because I know I can't fulfill such a promise when I myself don't have the confidence to trust anyone.

Reaching my floor, I noticed a soaked Takano-san standing outside his door, still wearing his coat.

"G-good evening. Wow that rain came from nowhere." The fatigue I felt minutes ago washed away as awkwardness took its place, staring at Takano-san in the eye.

"You're not even done your proposal yet you're out and about with a woman." Takano-san said, scowling at me. But when I stopped in my tracks and looked back at him, all I saw was jealousy within those eyes.

"For your information, I'm not neglecting my duties. Anyways you shouldn't be the one talking either. Who was that beautiful woman, you're girlfriend?" I retorted back. Turning away, I was stopped in my tracks as he blocked me from opening, or better yet escaping, my door.

"Girlfriend? That was an author, Ichinose Erika." At the news, I could feel my ears turning into scarlet.

"Oh really, well my mis-" Before I could even escape inside my apartment, Takano-san dragged me into his, pinning me against his apartment's wall.

"Hey! What are you doing! Move out of my wa-" Cutting my sentence off, I found my lips locked into his. His lips were wet and cold from the rain, but the warmth and gentleness as he caressed me made my thoughts and resilience muddle.

"… _in best case scenarios you're son may only live into his late-20s, give-or-take, until he's 27."_

"_Ritsu, you can't fall in love again. You're just going to hurt yourself."_

All these thoughts rushed into my head, but what really gave me the strength to push Takano-san away were Yokozawa's words, _"Masamune is mine."_

"Hey! You... you should be doing these things with Yokozawa!" Breaking our lips apart, I finally caught my breath. I don't know if it was because of my illness but my heart was beating at a dangerously fast pace. Giving Takano-san a dirty look, I pushed him out of the way and reached for his door knob. With surprisingly quick reflexes, he locked the door as he turned me around to face him.

"What's Yokozawa got to do with all this?" His confused look really agitated me even more. Did I really have to spell it out for him so that he could understand he shouldn't be cheating when he is dating someone else?

"All of the misunderstandings and cat fights I've been getting into aren't exactly what I call fun, so if you would please move out of th-"

"Onodera, I don't know what you're talking about. Yokozawa and I are just friends but if you're jumping to conclusions, why don't you just admit it." Takano-san said, cutting me off.

"What?"

"You're in love with me aren't you?" His question made the insides of my body stir as I could feel like he hit the bulls-eye. I wasn't in love with him, more like I _can't_ be in love with him.

"St-Stop being so full of yourself!" I felt so pathetic for not even giving him a straight "no" to his question, but for some reason it felt like I would break if I did.

"Answer my question."

"Takano-san, please move out of the wa-"

"Onodera, I love you." And with that one confession, he landed another kiss on my lips. But this time it was different, lust and anxiety could be felt in his aggressive kiss. I wanted to pull away but my defense weakened as I felt his tongue intertwine with mine.

_I can't fall in love with the same person I was in love with 10 years ago. I can't be caught in his pace again. I can't… or else I won't be able to stop my feelings before time is up. _

"Please stop, don't tease me like this." The urge in my words were there, but my voice was shaking as it said them.

My pleading didn't help as he continued to attack me in full force. His lips dancing around mine as his tongue pushed its way into my mouth again, exploring every ounce of it. I could feel it against my own, as I quivered under his touch. His kiss so passionate, so demanding and I could feel myself falling deeper and deeper into a forbidden abyss.

"Mmm… mph!" Still, even though I didn't have the strength, I tried to fight back. My head was trying to regain control again, but my self-restraint melted away as Takano-san moved his way down, taking a taste of my neck that vulnerably lay in front of him bare. "Uh… Ahh!"

I was seriously losing it; my mind dizzy from all the heat, my knees shaking as it tried to support the weight above it, and the fact that my lips lingered to be kissed more. I could feel his hands making his way down and heard the soft popping sound of my pants being undone. This was enough to snap me back into reality.

"No! Stop it! What are you d-"

"Here, touch mine too." Unbuckling his own pants, he directed me to where his hard member was waiting. "You've touched it before, right? Back then."

When my fingers made contact with his, my mind blank, and the only thing alert was my skin as it made contact with Takano-san's member. He felt so hot in my hand. With Takano-san guiding me as he touched mine, our hands both moved up and down in sync as I started to lose myself under all the pleasure and heavy pants.

"St-stop… Takano-san! Taka- Ah!" Moans escaped from my lips as I felt his hands pumped faster. He gently caressed my member, making me even more sensitive of his touch. I was going along with his pace, our breathing matching each other's, his lips distracting me from everything else. The intenseness of his desire and passion, were driving me crazy. I could feel myself on the verge of losing it and yet I continued to yearn for it all.

"…Ah!" Both our members were now pressing against one another, the additional warmth was making me lose it. Knowing we were both at our limit, he rubbed our members together, making me cling onto him.

"Takano-s…mmh! Ah… Ahh!" We were both climaxing and the sudden release brought one last moan to escape from my lips. "Ngh!"

Now sticky and wet, only heavy pants were heard in the quiet apartment building. When I thought it was over, Takano-san was ready to pounce again.

"S-Stop!"

"You still haven't answered my question."

_Don't fall in love; there's no time to start over, so before you lose it, break it off,_ were imprinted in my mind. Finally I found the strength to tear away from this temporary illusion as those words continued to echo in my mind.

"I'll... never fall in love with you!" Anger shone in the brown eyes that lust for me. Pushing me down for another round, I was determined to not let him get his way. "Hey, I told you to stop!"

At the same time Takano-san's cell phone started ringing. I didn't know if I should have felt happy or disappointed but all I saw it as an opportunity to escape.

"Yah, you're phone is ringing!"

"Leave it alone." Takano-san said as he lay on top of me.

"No! It might be work related." Giving him one last push, he finally gave in and got off of me. Finally freed from his grips, I rushed outside, escaping into the door found just right beside it.

"Hey, Onodera!" Agitated by the interruption, Takano-san grabbed the cell phone that still continued to ring.

"Before you say anything else, there's something I want to ask you. What exactly did you tell Onodera, Yokozawa?

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

In the safety of my own home, I let my knees give way, making the exhausted me collapse on to the floor. Even now my heart was still pounding over the series of events that happened just next door. My face still flushed with embarrassment and shame and yet the bittersweet feeling was still left behind like this morning's pill.

My feelings were reaching the brink of its cup as it was on the verge of overflowing. When, and if it does, I know I won't be able to stop them from leaking out. But like everyday I had to remind myself that I can't be too greedy for happiness or else when the time comes, sadness and pain will come in return. Everyday, repeatedly, I recite these words in my head: "I won't fall in love. I can't fall in love."

That's why, these feelings will only be temporary, an illusion, a dream that I will extinguish with my own free will. And until they simmer, I will make sure my self-restraint will never waver.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

_05-18-2008_

_Dear somebody:_

_I'm running out of room in my treasure box filled with my letters. I guess I need a new place to put them all in, huh? Maybe I should place some of them in the mountain of books accumulating in my room. Sounds like something that came from a shoujo manga. I guess work makes you think of these cheesy things but no one will be able to make fun of me when they find these letters though._

_It's been 10 years since I found out I had leukemia and learned how to get over it but it has also been 10 years since I last broke up with my first love, and yet my feelings are being messed with by the same person. He's making me feel so confused and knows how to stir me up. And today, we almost did it. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stand up against him. Maybe if I didn't have cancer, things would've been different. Maybe I would've started to give in to him. Maybe I would allow myself to love him again, but with the little time I have left I know things won't work out. Even though he's a bit of a jerk now, I still care about him, but it's not love! I just wish he would be happy with somebody else so that he can forget about me as soon as possible._

_And even if, and I mean IF I did start to fall in love with him again, I'll make sure he'll never know it. Just like the meaning of an azalea, I'll make sure to restrain myself and my feelings. _

_Sincerely,_

_Ritsu Onodera_

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

**So I bet you guys notice some dialogue/events that are from Sekaiichi Hatsukoi (chapter 3 to be specific) so before you say anything, yes I know. It was actually on purpose so it could be more realistic and give off that "Oh, this could actually happen in the original story, in this specific event, with this particular situation." :) The next one or two chapters will have events that actually happen in the manga but my own version considering Ritsu's problem and then later I'll head back onto the path of originality xD. And gosh, first time at smut and I suck =.= Had to refer back to the chapters and other resources, but I have to learn for future chapters… this will be a tough journey . Anyways just in case, disclaimer: I don't own anything and I am giving credit to Nakamura Shungiku-sensei for borrowing her original ideas ^^ Until next time, bye~bye!**

**=.=.=.=.=.=.=**

**Again sorry for changing some stuff, but I think the added information will help make the story more clearer and hopefully the story flows more better then before. Anyways thanks for reading! I'll be uploading chapter 3 sometime during the weekend. Again, until next time, bye~bye**


	3. Chapter 3: Love Lies Bleeding

**A/N: It has been about 2 weeks since my last chapter and I feel really sorry. I promised myself to upload a new chapter every weekend but I kind of got caught up with re-editing the previous chapters, 1st week of school, and writer's block =.= It was hard to write this chapter because I had like no internet connection and I could refer to Sekaiichi Hatsukoi online since this chapter is based on chapter 4 I think. Anyways sorry for making you guys wait! Story go go go! **

_Chapter 3- Love Lies Bleeding_

_Why am I murdering the man I love with my own two hands? The agonizing pains, the guilt, the insanity, are driving us crazy. I keep stabbing his heart with cruelty and lies', thinking it's for the best, but why are we both bleeding when I'm the one doing the killing? _

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Days have passed since that incident, and we have resumed our daily lives once again. However, I can't look at Takano-san in the eye or even be alone with him anymore, which I probably could never do to begin with. But the suffocating atmosphere between us has grown as our personal and work lives seem to have no fine line to separate them apart nowadays. Business is business but I can't help but get my feelings mixed up when my boss molested me the other day and that I actually succumbed under the pleasure. Rather than being mad at him, I was ashamed of myself for giving in to his actions.

I don't know whether it's on purpose or not, but running away or hiding the moment I see Takano-san has become a habit. When he calls my name I run away, when I feel his eyes staring at my profile, I don't dare to look up for fear of meeting those hazel-brown crystal balls. Weary of his presence, I tried to present myself as busy as possible with work.

"Ricchan, Can you bring these downstairs in the mailbox for me?" my co-worker Kisa-san asked, handing me a bunch of manuscripts.

Happy to be given the opportunity to escape from the department and under Takano-san's watchful eyes, I gladly made my way to the elevator. Thinking that the doors would close and move downwards, I was surprised to hear Takano-san's voice crawl through.

"Wait! I'm getting on." the doors opened once again to let in the masculine figure inside but under reflex I ran out.

"Oops! I forgot something in the office." I said as my bad acting seeped out in my voice.

"Hey," was all I heard as the elevator doors shut, blocking any more interaction between us.

_That was way too obvious. _Heaving a sigh over my pitiful self, I went back to the office, thinking that I might as well make my white lie become the truth.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Finally the day came to an exhausting end as I made my way to the vending machine located at the end of the hallway. I was hit by a sudden headache during my trip to the mailbox that lasted the whole day and the wave of pain could only be settled down by the medication I had with me.

"Ouch!" as I reached for the bottle of water inside the machine, I accidentally hit my elbow against it, causing a purple-ish blotch to form on my pale arm.

_This is going to leave another bruise._ I learnt the hard way that I easily bruise; even the grip of Takano-san was imprinted on my skin in the form of bruises, leaving Takano-san's mark on my body. His touch still linger whenever I look at the marks. Always conscious of what others think about the blotches tattooed on my skin, I made sure to always wear long sleeves to avoid people's curious stares.

"You should pay more attention, Onodera." while drowned in my thoughts, I didn't realize the presence of my boss who quietly snuck behind me. "Are you alright?"

"Huh, yeah fine." unconsciously, I was starring at Takano-san. Quietly turning away, I swallowed the pills, hoping Takano-san didn't see them.

"Well, I'll be on my wa-"

His hand pulled me in, placing both of us beside the vending machine, the blind spot where no one could see us. His arm blocked my escape gateway leaving me with no option but to look at the floor while he looked straight into me, trying to dig for some answers.

"Hey, we shouldn't be doing this. What if someone s-"

"Why have you been avoiding me lately?" his face showed no concern for his surroundings as the question shot out without hesitation.

"W-what are you talking about?" I knew it was true that I was avoiding Takano-san but I feign innocence.

"Is it because of that time? If so, I want to apologize, so please don't pretend you don't see me. It hurts to see you act as if my existence means nothing to you." his voice was pleading with a hint of hurt in it and out of curiosity's mind I looked up to meet pain-struck eyes.

I was on the verge of breaking down, wanting to reconcile in his arms and tell him that it's alright, that I still… no. I can't. This isn't how I'm supposed to feel. I should hate him; I should make him hate me! I've already fallen way to deep. If this continues, I'll drown in my own emotions and I won't be able to resurface.

"Honestly, do you know how much of a burden you are? Even though we're co-workers, the rest of the time we're just strangers. Any feelings I held for you are gone, and so should you be from my life." The cruel words that slipped out of my mouth froze in the air; each word pierced our hearts with the cold cruelty in their meaning.

I dared not to look up; even without seeing his face, the overwhelming guilt had plunged a toll on my heart. Not wanting to take part in this conversation any longer, I slipped out of his grip and desperately tried to make my way back to the office. Takano-san had different feelings about ending this conversation and clung onto my arm again, but this time out of desperation. My back still faced against him, I felt his hand trembling as it hang onto me, refusing to let go as if I would disappear in thin air if he didn't.

"Hey, what are you doing over there?" Yokozawa's voice asked in his angry tone. Looking up, I met his glare but it somewhat relieved me of the disgust and hatred they held. It was good to know that someone else hated you when you too hate yourself.

"Nothing. Thanks for your hard work." giving one last pull, I slipped out of Takano-san's fingers and briskly walked away. Waiting for the elevator to come up, I heard snippets of Yokozawa and Takano-san's conversation.

"Hey, I'm dropping by you're place tonight." Yokozawa announced, as his voice was carried around the corner.

_He's going to Takano-san's place again._ The ding of the elevator's arrival relieved some of the tension building up inside of me, as I stepped inside.

"No. I told you I'm busy. I need to stop by the..." Takano-san said his voice annoyed. But he failed to hide the hurt and sadness in it as well. The rest of his sentence faded away as the elevator doors closed shut and the rest of the conversation was left a mystery to the man who just stabbed his ex-lover's heart.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

The unforgettable feeling of Takano-san crumbling into pieces while clinging onto me with all his might, his hands trembling like a scared little boy hoping that I would put him back together again, left me devastated at my own heartlessness. Even if I had to take medication, it could do nothing to help lessen the pain burdening my heart.

Leaving the building, I headed into the direction of the library that could probably be the only place that could help relieve this aching pain.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Hearing the hardcover books hitting at the bottom of the cold metal return box, the moon's complexion shone upon the quiet Tokyo neighborhood, the gentle win accenting the beautiful scenery. The silence placed me into a state of ease, the wind running its fingers through my air as I took in a breath of the fresh air dancing around me. It was like time stood still and nothing else mattered in the world; whether it be disease, work, or even my love life.

Taking a stroll down the stone pathway located behind the library, I stopped my tracks and starred at the beautiful bloody flowers. The Love Lies Bleeding flowers always left a deep impact whenever I visit the library garden. Not only because of its color that reminded me of a stream of running blood, but because of their meaning in the language of flowers: hopelessness.

Before I found out about cancer, I didn't understand the meaning of the word "hopelessness." I was really an idiot back then thinking that no matter what, one shouldn't give up hope, even if it seemed impossible. But my perspective of that word totally changed when the only word that I could describe myself was that. There was nothing for me to cling onto that could save me from falling down in my predestined fate. Be it my life or my love, reality was harsh and the false illusion of hope made it even worse. That's why I just let go of whatever I was clinging on during the time I believed I could be save. Struggling for someone to save me was exhausting and pathetic that the only answer that was given to me was to give up.

_Maybe it wouldn't be bad to just die right here, and taint these flowers with blood of my own... just kidding. Maybe. _Kneeling down in front of them, the sadness of the flowers transferred over to me as I silently let the warm tears slide down my face. The wind picked up speed and slapped my cheek, only to make me realize how pitiful and miserable I really was. Sobs started to come out of my mouth as I could not control my emotions any longer. The cries and the tears filled the silent night under the moon's eyes, caressing me with its light. But nothing could stop my tears and all I could do was to cry until they were all dried up.

I didn't know that I could cry so much but hours had already passed and I was still in the same spot, in front of the bloody stream of petals.

_It's getting late, I should go home._ My legs were asleep and the prickling sensation of numbness left me unstable as I got up. Turning around I jumped in shock when I notice a person standing against the library. The two brown eyes glued on me as he met mine. All we could do was stand speechless at each other. It was I who could not longer take the silence and humility of being watched as I left my walls fall down.

"How long have you been watching me?" I asked the figure, not wanting to look up so that he could not see my puffy red eyes.

"The whole time." Takano-san said, his voice showing no signs of emotions.

Agitated, or rather embarrassed, I made a dash for it to the stairs, wanting to get as far away from Takano-san as possible.

Maybe it was because of the crying or my weak body, but dizziness pushed me off the stairs as my vision blurred. Faint, I closed my eyes, waiting for the impact of my skull to reach my concrete death but rather than unconsciousness and a bang, I felt warmth embraced me in a hug. My eyes wandered upwards towards Takano-san's worried glare.

"You idiot! You could've hurt yourself!" even under his stern tone, there was still care and compassion in his words. "Oi, are you alright?"

Blown away by his words, the dizziness left but its' after effects still left me to recompose myself under such circumstances. All I could do was stare back at Takano-san, trying to regain my vision again.

"Onodera. Oi, Onodera!" the foggy clouds that blocked my sight were starting to clear. Slowly, the first thing I could make out was Takano-san, his face masked with worry. Why?

_Ah. I'm making him wear that face again._

"_It's okay, I'm fine."_ is what I wanted to say but my heart wanted to say something else.

"Sen..." without thinking, the first syllable moved its way to my mouth as it came out on its own.

"Huh?" luckily Takano-san looked more relieved to hear me speak for what seemed to be an eternity for him. I was shocked by his sudden hug, but I stopped struggling as I heard his beating heart against mine. "Don't make me so worried."

"Sen..pai... Senpai." there was nothing but silence that followed after "senpai." Both were surprised by the sudden memory of the old honorific used back in our high school romance. No more but a mere second after I said that one word, his lips pressed against mine, desire burning in his warm kiss. I didn't know what was going anymore. My head still ached from the dizziness but the overwhelming emotions were the ones tearing my heart.

Regaining my mentality again, I slapped Takano-san against the cheek, leaving him speechless and abandoned like a thrown out toy. The pitter patter of my footsteps was carried against the night's wind, only enhancing the emotions of the man watching my back leaving him again.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

_Date: 10-14-2001_

_Dear reader,_

_It has been 4 years since I've learnt about cancer and the meaning of the word hopelessness. The tests and responses of the nurses and doctors have left me facing reality. Like a little kid believing that Santa Claus exist wholeheartedly only to find out they were just lies, was like how I realize their was no such thing as hope. The only option for me is to give up this struggle and let time pass by quietly. I can do nothing to change my faith; sorrow and anguish have already placed themselves in my life as their vessel and left no room for anything else._

_If there will be a day when I can believe in the word "hope," and even "love," again, will be the time I can leave this world with no regrets. _

_Sincerely,_

_Onodera Ritsu_

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

**I don't know about you guys, but the library scene in the manga was one of my favorites and I just had to have it in my story. And **to those who don't know, Love Lies Bleeding is a type of flower that holds the meaning "hopelessness" in the language of flowers. **Well anyways thanks for all the reviews and I'll try my best to update faster xD Until next time, bye~bye!**


	4. Chapter 4: Daffodil

**A/N: FML moment last week… I was finished this chapter a week ago but while I was doing homework, I broke my memory stick that had EVERYTHING (my chapter plots, chapter 4, my beautiful files) and I had to re-do everything =.= This chapter is somewhat a bit lacking because I was rushing but yeah… this is also right after chapter 3. Well anyways, enough of the past, story go go go!**

_Chapter 4- Daffodil_

_Questions are rising, doubt is building, the heart is beating, and uncertainty is crying. _

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Rushing from the library and into the apartment building, I fumbled with my keys outside of my door, scrambling to get in. Bustling inside the complex, under the safety of my own company, the cold hardwood floor met the temples of my head. Filling my lungs with the air it lacked, I let the red puffy eyes slip tears that I thought had all dried up. Quietly the sobbing escalated and all I could do was cry there speechless. My emotions wielded their own thoughts about this ordeal as I implore myself to calm down. His lips had marked itself with its warmth as I ventured to reminisce about his touch on my tear-stained skin. Even the feeling of his heart beating against mine still lived on as thoughts crossed my mind as to when my own pulse has decided to stand still like a frozen flower, someone other than me will hear his drum beating its beautiful melody.

Sprawled like an unkempt doll, I gazed upon the ceiling wall, my hand reaching out for nothing. My eyes fluttered, my mind exhausted, I walked into a dark tunnel, a silhouette waiting for me at the end of pure white. His hand reached out for me, his gentleness calling out to my loneliness. I clutched onto that dear hand as the uncomfortable bright white light blinded me. Holding onto this wretched hope, I felt the floor beneath me crumble. I was hanging on, hanging onto this hand that supported me, yet the darkness was appealing and I wanted to escape the troubled voice that kept calling my name. The life force surrounding him weren't welcoming my ill fate and tried to separate the link between us. Even I gave up trying to save myself and just wished to fall down into the endless abyss that lied beneath me but he wouldn't let go. He too knew he couldn't save me but when I thought he had finally given up, I saw him falling from the light and into the blackness along with me. His grip still solid and secure, embracing me in a tight embrace as we both fell into a sea of nothingness.

Gasping in shock, I rose back up into a sitting position as the cold sweats started acting up again, along with my short breathing. The headaches have heightened and I could feel my stomach churning as nausea built up. Overwhelmed by pain, I found myself collapsed on the bathroom floor. I could smell the foul vile that had made its way out of my mouth and into the toilet. Weak, I clumsily reached onto the bathroom counter, searching for the medicine lying around there. I heard cases falling off the edge, pills flying everywhere, and me vaguely tasting the bitterness of the revolting medicine melting in the back of my throat.

The pain took one final blow as it calmed itself. Finding the strength again, I leaned against the yellow walls that surrounded me. With my head lying back, a quiet yet eerie laugh echoed through the room. The sound was coming from my mouth, a result of me breaking down due to the realization of the consequences of being selfishly in love.

_At this rate, I'll be dragging him down with me._ A sorrowful smile spread across my face, as I knew what was meant to be done to cut off the relationship that brought me worries and pain everyday.

"Onodera, are you there?" Ironically the timing was perfect as I heard my superior's voice pounding outside my front door. When silenced follow, I assumed he had gone back into his own complex but my guess was quickly proven wrong. "I know I'm in no position to ask of you but please come out and face me."

Practically dragging myself onto my own two feet, I leaned against the support of the hallway walls as I made my way to the entrance. By the shocked expression Takano-san wore when I revealed myself behind the doors, I could tell I looked even more pitiful then I could have imagined. But still, like requested, I stood there looking straight at him, waiting for him to speak.

"Why, why do you look like that?" Still speechless over my pathetic appearance, he reached out to touch my face that was harshly swatted away by an ungrateful hand of mine.

"Don't switch the topic; what do you want? And please stop acting like your concerned about me." My voice did not waver even though I felt like my body was. But I guess I added more of the fury that Takano-san was building up as his concern was covered with disbelief.

"Do you honestly believe that I would _not_ show concern to the guy I've been in love with for 10 years?" He was yelling at me now, and it was my turn to stand there in disbelief, but I had no time to regain my composure as he locked lips with mine. Instead of struggling against him, I let him continue; but really all I did was stand there. Takano-san noticed the indifference between my attitude and quickly parted our lips as he met winter in my eyes. Frozen by the expressionless distaste shone in them, he dropped his arms that were a second ago, wrapped around me.

"Is that all you have to say?" My voice asked calmly but my heart was trembling. "If it is, I'll be taking my leave."

Shutting the door right in his face, I collapsed onto the ground as I still knew he was still standing outside.

"How do you think I am suppose to accept that?" his voice was rising as a melancholic tone was being used. "Tell me Onodera, what can I do to make you fall in love with me again? How much more miserable am I suppose to become until you accept me? How many more times do I have to say for you to understand that you're my life!"

Dumbfounded, I loll against the wall as I listened to the break down of this man behind the door, the image of his hand grasping his hair in frustration as brims of tears started to form was vividly painting itself in my mind. He gave a small chuckle that made me jump because of the previous obstinate silence between us that had carried on for eternity.

"Before you use to be straight-forward and would come out and tell your thoughts right away, but now you're only silence and rigidness. Only an idiot would fall in love with you… and yet why did I become that idiot twice? Onodera tell me, why am I like this?" At this moment, I could tell he was drifting into his own world. Rather then speaking to me, it was more like he was speaking to himself and I was only eavesdropping on this conversation.

"It's because of you that I've become like this. That's why, before I really become crazy, please give me a chance to talk to you, properly. I'll be waiting for you at the library tomorrow at 8 o'clock. I'll wait there all night if I have to."

I could hear a deep sigh in his words as if he really thought he was crazy. The sound of Takano-san's footsteps drifted as a rift between his door and the apartment complex was blocked off, letting me return back under the safety of silence and the unsettling uncertainty undergoing in my chest.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

"Good work today!"

My gaze hid behind the stake of papers on my desk, letting the curiosity of my eyes to secretly wander off to Takano-san as he left the office. Giving me a slight turn of the head as acknowledgement of my presence, I could only assume that he was heading to the library right now.

Looking outside the window, the pelting rain covered the entire city, something the weather forecast hadn't predicted. No one had an umbrella with them, including both Takano-san and I.

_Idiot. _He could wait all he want under this crying sky but there was no way I would let myself go see him.

The shower continued as I made my way to the convenience store to buy an umbrella.

_He probably has gone home by now._ The cluster of change fell onto the check out counter as I took it outside to shelter me from the rain.

_It's been almost 4 hours since he left work._ I looked up into the sky as the rain came running down on to my face as I finally reached home. The gold key was being inserted into its partner but I couldn't bring myself to step in. Standing beside me, the quietness lying behind the door beside me, I found myself standing in front of it, ringing the doorbell. No answer.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Rain meeting the roof of the library and its surroundings was all there to be seen as I reached the top of the staircase. Everything was drenched that only made everything so much more mysterious. Glistening droplets dripping off the plants' leaves, the moist air that took its place around me, the scent of nature at its freshness; like a picture, everything seemed to stand still.

Looking around, there were no sign of anyone there. Breathless and exhausted, I thought it was only wishful thinking that Takano-san would still be waiting for me. My umbrella still clutched in my grip, I reached the secret garden behind the building. Beside the scarlet flowers that I previously laid my eyes on the other day, someone else took my spot as he admired them with a sad smile plastered on his face.

The image of this man standing in the rain for hours, not even knowing if the person he was waiting for would arrive, continuously stabbed itself in my heart as I watched him standing there. Rain falling off his brown locks, it was hard to differentiate whether it was just the rain or tears sliding down his face.

Approaching him quietly, I sheltered him with the umbrella I held. For minutes, we just stood there in silence, not uttering a single word to one another as we let each others presence come in.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

"T-Takano-san…" his lips cut me off as I felt his warm passionate kiss collide with my cold wet lips.

Both of us were drenched; from head to toe, there was nothing that could escape the pouring rain as it soaked us on our way home to the complex building. The whole walk home was filled with agonizing silence but when I was going to part ways into my room, Takano-san gave me no chance to resist against his strength when he pulled me into the entrance-way.

He continued to kiss me as I let him. How we end up on the bed, I have no reconciliation of it all. What I did know was that Takano-san was by my side, kissing me, loving me, even though I did nothing to deserve it. Quietly he wrapped his arms around me.

"Please don't leave me. I love you," was all that was said before his head rested on my shoulder as I let him sleep, gently caressing his hair as I watched over him.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

_05-20-2008_

_Dear reader:_

_I don't know what to do anymore. I'm confused, lost, anxious over everything and all I see is nothing. How would you feel about how the one that you use to love, coming into your life and shaking up your emotions like this? Reality only exists and dreams are mere fantasy that keep overlapping and messing my mind up. The memories of the hate and the lies will eventually be paid when I'm gone, but can I not do something to repay the kindness he has given me with the little time left?_

_If only everything was just a fairytale instead of a tragedy._

_Sincerely,_

_Ritsu Onodera_

_=.=.=.=.=.=.=_

**Gosh so pissed off at myself! Why did I have to break my USB with my whole plot line and chapters! Ughh I still need to re-do my chapter plot! Anyways again sorry for the long wait; I think karma is after me right now **

**Oh I also noticed my chapters in general are (well I think) kind of rushed but I'll fix that in the future... when I re-organize everything =.=**

**Anyways tell me what you think about it... good, bad...? Haha, until next time, Bye~bye!**


	5. Chapter 5: Grass

**Forever does not begin to describe how long I took to update this chapter but school is partially at fault as well as my sudden trip over the long weekend which I had planned to write this chapter. That and fixing my plot line and I seriously had to re-do it twice because I added something really twisted. But then I thought about it and if I was a reader I would seriously have hated my story if I added it because it was just SO much, so I decided not to. But yeah, so sorry for the long wait and yay for me on re-doing my awesomely newly revised plot line! Better and I added more chapters! Anyways, story go go go!**

_Chapter 5- Grass_

_The thought that I'll be willingly be able to give this loving hand that holds me, to someone else, bears me the thoughts of sadness but happiness as I know you'll be placed in good hands when I'm gone. _

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

Loitering behind the vending machines, a bottle of water in hand and the last remaining pills in the other, suspended in the air as I placed them to melt in my mouth, heading towards their destination down my throat.

_I guess I'll have to stop by the pharmacy and buy more._ Leaving a mental note behind, I headed back to the office. Walking back into the pink flourish office, the remaining morning shock of Takano-san's cold still remained as his lack of presence made everyone shift uncomfortably in their chairs, daze expressions worn on their faces as there was no one to yell at them to get back to work.

"This is the first time since Takano-san started to call in sick." Kisa-san sighed as he stared longingly at the empty chair of his boss.

"I know. I wonder what made that workaholic stay out in the rain so long that he caught a cold. What do you think happen Onodera-san?"

"I-I don't know!" Giving no attention to my stuttering, we all gave one more glance of the empty desk before resuming our duties.

Still the lingering feeling of Takano-san's absence took a toll on my mind as I was no longer able to concentrate over the storyboard in front of me.

_It's not my fault. He saw it coming; I didn't tell him to wait in the rain for 4 hours! What would he have done if I didn't come? In fact, why did I go see him? Ughh enough! Anyways it's not my fault..._

_=.=.=.=.=.=.=_

_... it's not my fault yet what am I doing?_ In one hand I held a brown bag containing my pills, while in the other was a bag filled with cold medicine. As much as the shock of finding myself buying them unconsciously, it wasn't as great of a shock then finding myself standing in front of Takano-san's door. There was still hesitation of bringing Takano-san a bunch of cold medicine but my body had a mind of its own as I heard the echo of the doorbell through the door separating myself from the inside.

_It's not like I feel responsible or anything! I'm just a concern co-worker worrying over my boss-_

"What are you doing here?" The familiar voice of Yokozawa's swooped down over me; his coldness entrenched with his words. He stood there, irritation clearly plaster on his face.

"Oh, I just… was wondering how Takano-san was doing." His appearance was unexpected but somewhere I knew he would be there, there taking care of Takano-san even without me there. The tinge of loneliness came along with the bitter smile I placed on my face.

"He's been better but it's nothing serious." Yokozawa's voice sounded dry as he stood there unaffected with my presence.

"Oh is that so?"

"Medicine?" he asked, noticing the two bags in my hands.

"Yeah. I bought a bunch because I didn't know what his symptoms were." Passing him one of the brown bags, he lazily accepted one.

"Is Takano-san really doing okay? If there's anything I can do to help…"

"Then don't involve yourself with Masamune outside of work any more than you have to. I'm sick and tired of watching you play with his feelings." His suddenness gave me a shock.

"What? I don't under-"

"I'm saying, stop getting his hopes up on purpose!" Aggravated, he continued to let out his anger towards me. "Instead of turning him down, you act like you might accept it. Because of you he even waited in the rain and got himself sick! Stop hurting him as much as you have already. Anyways, I'm way better suited for Masamune. You don't even have right to fall in love with him!"

All I could do was stand there as I could only embrace the harsh truth and his bottle up feelings of hatred and jealousy towards me. Even I was ashamed over myself and the way I've been treating Takano-san. Yokozawa-san was right; I didn't deserve to love Takano-san if I'm just continuing to hurt him like this.

"It was just playing around to you right from the beginning, wasn't it? You even went to study aboard without a word!"

The only thing that he said that was a lie was playing Takano-san; my feelings were serious. Even if I wanted to deny everything else though, there was no chance for me to say anything because they were all the truth. And that's why I felt angry at myself.

The sound of someone banging the wall followed after Yokozawa's dying voice as he looked at the person in front of him in shock. My hand still in a fist, stayed against the wall, my hair covering my anger filled eyes. Everything stood for a moment as my outbreak seemed to be a shock to the whole world.

"What," My voice was crisp yet shaking but I still continued as the words flowed out of my mouth as if they were waiting all this time to come out, "what do you know about me? What do you know about all the hardships and pain I went through! Don't go assuming everything is my fault!"

Suddenly a hysteric laughter burst out as my hand that had rested on the wall, ruffled my hair as I laughed at my empty words. "No, actually everything is my fault. You're right I don't deserve to fall in love with him. But don't worry; I'll be out of his life, even yours, in due time."

"What do you mean by that?" He asked puzzled.

"Exactly what I said." Giving him a sad smile, I faced my back towards him, letting him wonder alone. However, my answer wasn't good enough for him and the sudden action of being turned around caused the contents of my bag to spill on the floor, having them all exposed to Yokozawa.

Quickly and briskly I tried to return them back into the bag but before I could get the last bottle in, Yokozawa picked it up and read the label.

"…Leukemia?" Snatching the bottle away, I vanished behind my apartment door before I could answer any of Yokozawa's questions about the bottle.

Leaning against the door, I could hear Takano-san's voice on the other side.

"Yokozawa, who were you talking to?"

"…No one. Come on Masamune, you shouldn't be up."

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

"_Sorry to call you late but we forgot to give you you're *Gleevec pills. If you wouldn't mind to come pick it up..."_

The late night walk was what I needed after the heated up argument with Yokozawa. The 24/7 working pharmacy located a couple blocks away from my apartment stood alone in the quiet neighborhood as the automatic doors welcomed me.

"Welcome. Ah, Onodera-san!" Kusama-sensei, the part-time pharmacists, was one of the few people I have gotten closer to because of my illness. He was a nice and sturdy young man that gave off an older brother feeling.

"Good evening, Kusama-sensei." I smiled in reply.

"Sorry for having you come all this way." His eyes really looked apologetic and all I could smile at his innocent feelings.

"Nah, it's fine. I was going to go on a walk anyways." I assured him, being rewarded with a smile on his face.

The sound of the sliding doors swished open as another customer seemed to have walk in. Receiving the bag of pills, I gave no attention to the new customer.

"Sometimes it's hard to believe that one day I won't see you visiting this store." A solemn expression had made its way on the usually cheerful Kusama-sensei. But whenever the topic came about my illness, the mood turns for the worst.

Over the years of picking up medicine from the same pharmacy shop, I've been a regular face and have even gotten to known some of the other co-workers and even Kusama-sensei's "partner." They've all known of my illness yet they still befriended me even though they knew I will be gone. And because of there feelings, I've been grateful to them ever since.

"Yeah; I'll miss coming here as well." Although I could do nothing to make the mood brighter, I gave him a small smile as a token of his concern.

"When do you have to get admitted in the… no, how much longer do you have left?" Although hesitant, he still asked his question. The sadness was evident but his curious eyes defined him otherwise.

"Give or take two more years. In a year and a half I'll be in my final stages of cancer so I'll be hospitalized around-"

The sound of something falling interrupted the rest of my sentence as I turned to look to see what had happened. Instead I was met face to face with a stunned Yokozawa-san.

"Onodera, is it true; you have cancer?"

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

_*A type of leukemia pill_

**Boo no letter today and short chapter and a cliffy but woot cameo of Nowaki from Junjou Romantica! Didn't know what to call the pharmacist so I decided it should be Nowaki since he's in the medical field and all xD And no letter because I'm continuing off in the next chapter. So this chapter is referring to Chapter 9 of Sekaiichi Hatsukoi if you guys wanted to know. And finally I learnt when Ritsu's birthday is with the update of chapter 12 in the actual manga series! And An-chan actually finds out that Ritsu likes Takano-san too! Gosh for once I admired her. Like she was all cute and all but seriously because of her Takano and Ritsu had all these misunderstandings. Good to see she's now out of the picture. JK! But yeah seriously. Oh also lemon next chapter to replace the drunk chapter in the actual manga because Ritsu shouldn't be drinking alcohol if he has like cancer you know? Haha anyways thanks for waiting and I'll try to update the next chapter soon and it'll probably be a long chapter! Also after chapter 6, I'll take the time to re-edit the previous chapters, so it'll be awhile after chapter 6 for me to update. Anyways see you guys next time! Bye~bye!**


	6. Chapter 6: Almond

**A/N: Gosh don't you just hate authors who don't update until like a month later? It's like WTF r u trying to kill me! I must know what's going to happen next! Like wow... don't they understand the feelings of us readers! =.= That's so not me cause I would never to do that to you guys. HAHAHAHaHaHahahaha... uhm yahh... so... yupp... never would do that... ANYWAYS! Story go go go!**

_Chapter 6- Almond_

_Promises are meant to be kept, yet they always seem to break. In the end the meaning of promises are how long they can be kept until they are broken by another._

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

The uncomfortable atmosphere between Yokozawa-san and I didn't received any help from the eerie light of the lamppost that shone above the park bench we found ourselves sitting on. Even while we were walking to our new location after I hastily bid farewell to Kusama-sensei, we suffered under the heavy burden of silence as none of us dared to make a move or action to strike a conversation under such unfavorable circumstances.

Night seemed to have made the city stand still as we were the only ones who seem to be lost in the nothingness of the starry sky in the abandoned painting scenery. Seconds went by like hours as time passed. I felt the sound of shuffling beside be as Yokozawa-san suddenly stood up and walked away. At first I was surprised at the sudden action but when he brought back two warm cans of coffee, I murmured a soft appreciation as I received one of them. Again we sat there with nothing to say, doing our own thing with the can of coffee in our hands; Yokozawa-san drinking some of his while I just fiddled with the can in my hand. A lifetime had probably passed before I finally plucked up the courage to speak as I heard my voice stand alone in the sleeping park.

"Pretty pathetic guy I am, huh?" I was rewarded by no response by the person sitting beside me; not like it mattered as I continued on. "Hmm... where I should start? It's a first that I've ever talked about my illness other then my family and my doctors so-"

"How long since you've known... about having cancer?" Yokozawa interrupted but I smiled at his question. Not because I was happy that he said something for the first time in almost a hour but because of ironic memory of that day.

"When I was entering high school; when I was around 15."

"10 years ago... The same year you and Masamune..." When he looked over at me, I could tell that he didn't have to finish the rest of his sentence while he read my expression like an opened book. He turned away and again we sat there in silence.

"So the real reason why you went to study aboard was..."

"Yeah; the only hospital that seemed to have the technology to help me live as much as I have now was in America." I paused for a moment before I gave in to my own conscience of confessing to Yokozawa the other reason of my departure. "But I can't deny the fact that I also saw it as an opportunity to get away from the drama."

"Does Masamune know?"

I shook my head. "And I want it to stay that way; it'll only hurt him if he knows."

"What do you mean by that?" From the corners of my eyes, I could see Yokozawa shift his head towards my direction. His unsettling expression left me to pity the man who had to bear sharing the omen secret I possessed. "Onodera, what you said back at the pharmacy, what did you mean? Two years until what?"

Now it was my turn to let my stare wander into his. The years of exhaustion and pain must have reflected through the burdensome green eyes shining against the glare of the lamppost as Yokozawa's expression softened as he could sense foreboding news coming his way. I could feel him tensing up, ready to embrace whatever words would come out of my mouth in the next few seconds. I gave him one last look before I closed my eyes to blind myself from watching his reaction.

"What I meant by that was that I have only two years left to live."

Slowly, and quietly, I lifted my eyelids as they flutter, regaining sight to my surroundings. The news' impact clearly marked itself on Yokozawa's face as if he had been hit by a car, leaving him in a state of shock. However, he seemed to have already expected the truth because he showed no confusion when I looked at him; it was as if he had already foreseen my answer. Regaining his composure, he forgot to pick up the sorrowful sadness that I saw in his eyes, only reflecting the trauma of the exposed revelation.

I guess I must've have looked pretty decent myself as he patted my head. It wasn't until he gave me the gentle gesture that I realized that tears were spilling from the red rimmed clouds on my face. Shifting my head down so he could only see my tears falling like the rain, we let sounds of the night city fill our mouths as they hang in the air like the mere accessories they were.

"Neh, what do you think of the story of *Eloise and Abelard?" I asked suddenly while turning away to wipe my tears.

"The one with the monk and nun?"

"Yeah."

"What does this have to do with anything?" His voice sounded bewilder by the unsuspected question.

He saw that my mouth wasn't going to give him an answer and giving me a strange look, he gave me a sigh of defeat.

"In my opinion it leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth. Their love for each other is very admirable as they are confident in one another's loyalty. Not only has that but their letters left one speechless about their feelings. But the thing is that even with all those words and letters they write everyday, they both know that they will never be able to replace the real thing."

"Never be able to replace the real thing, huh." Trailing off, I didn't realize the comment was directed more to myself than to Yokozawa-san.

"Why do you ask?" I could see Yokozawa-san starring at me curiously, suspicion was obviously there.

I gave him one of those empty doll-like smiles that I've grown so accustomed to using before I gave him a response.

"Oh, nothing."

We both knew that was just a lie but the vague answer left us to cope with an easy farewell as Yokozawa-san received a phone call requesting his presence even though it was so late in night. Our silence as we parted ways was our breach of secrecy; like the pinky promise of a child, we both knew to keep the events of the night left behind in the lonely park bench.

=.=.=.=.=.=

Heaving a sigh when I entered through the elevator doors, fatigue left me struggling to stand on my own two feet. I could feel my entire world falling while in reality I was rising. Blinking red lights read the number of my floor as the doors swung open.

To see Takano-san crouched in a little ball in front of my door, a blanket of security surrounding him, I felt my eyes flap wide open. I could only quietly move towards him. Positioning myself so I was on the same eye level with the man in front of me, I admired his long eyelashes that fell like strands on a harp. Like a rabbit watching the peaceful face of a hibernating bear, the sereneness and blissful face he wore left me on my toes, expecting him to wake up any second. When I realized he made no plans to move, hesitantly my trembling hands reached out to wipe the pieces of hair that was blocking my view of his closed eyes. Curiosity and desire for this man left me hanging with thoughts of taking, possessing, manipulating him. If only I could. Boldly, I took those same hands and moved them down towards his face as I cupped his check in my hands, softly wiping the water stains left on his face. If I could see my expression through the reflection of a mirror, maybe it would have shown twice the pain that I felt instead of the fake smile I always wore to cover the truth.

Passion overtook me as I leaned inwards, an inch away from making contact with his lips. Drawing in, I could already feel the warmth of them as I came closer and closer when I-

"Mmm..." The soft mumble was enough to withdraw falling over in the process. Sitting there, I watched Takano-san switched into another comfortable position before he regained his soft breathing. Seconds passed as I froze in the uncomfortable position of falling over, waiting for his eyes to open. But they didn't. Instead, a name came out of Takano-san's lips. A name I didn't want to hear, a name that breaks my heart. Yet he did. And I knew he would never let it go.

"Ritsu."

For a moment I could feel my heart stop as he said my name. I couldn't catch my breath as I let my hand cover my mouth to keep in the sobbing that was building up inside of me. But it was already too late as a tear fell. Feelings of remorse towards this delicate feather had brought me back to my senses of the reality of the impossibility of my feelings coming true. Promising myself that this would be the last time I would let my feelings run loose, I let my hand drop as my lips placed it's mark on his burning cheek. My eyes closed, I made sure that my kiss would be implanted in Takano-san`s skin, leaving a part of me with him. How I wish time could stand still because I never wanted to tear apart from him; but I did, and when I did, a pair of brown eyes met mine.

Pulling back in surprise, I gathered my belongings, fast enough to pull out my keys, unlocking the door. But Takano-san was quick enough to re-gather himself and push through with desperation. I could still see the side effects of his cold but he still had the strength to overwhelm me by a ton. Staring down at me, he stood in the doorway. We made no immediate move as we both paused to catch our breath. The tension building up between us, like a rope being tugged where neither of us was going to give in to this war.

Making a quick dash towards my bedroom I only made myself more vulnerable as Takano-san trailed right after me with twice the speed. Without even a chance to close the door behind me, Takano-san barged into my room. We were both afraid of ourselves and our unpredictable actions.

``Rit- `` As he approached me, the evidence of his cold shone through as his clouded mind didn't notice the cluster of books lying on the floor, falling down in the process.

"Ah...!" As he fell, he caught me between his arms as we both fell onto the bed behind us.

I was trapped in a tangle web of emotions in the awkward positions we were in.

"Oi! Get off me!" Signaling him to get up, I pushed him away only to be crushed by the embracement of arms around me.

``T-Takano-san, I said ge-`` I cut my own sentence off; looking at his eyes clouded with years of agony behind them. I was lost for words, too afraid of adding onto that pain even more.

Leaning in, our lips met. Like a hush, the delicacy of Takano-san`s kiss left me wondering why he treated me so gently as if I were a piece of glass art; if he didn't treat it carefully and let it slip through his fingers, it would just break into a million pieces. And while he tries to gather them all up, he'll cut himself with never-ending pain and wounds and scars as evidence made by these glass knives.

``S-stop...! You're still sick!" Even ignoring my worries, he still continued as he kissed me even harder.

``No...! P-please stop...`` I couldn't let this go on any further; I couldn't let my heart get carried away. I needed to stop this right now before I let my feelings get carried away.

When my cries were futile to Takano-san`s ears, I could only try my best to resist his on comings. But the sound of the bed squeaking, the silk beneath us being crumpled up by the grip of my hands, and the sound of nothing but our breathing, left me defenseless towards passion as it overtook my reason. The sound of the rustling of clothes being undone as buttons of our shirts were being unbutton along with the melody of wet sounds interrupting the silence as Takano-san left a trail of kisses. Butterflies fluttering over my chest left me to hitch upwards into them, being tangled into a whirl of softness surrounding me. The dizziness left me weak, but I still tried to defy him.

``S-stop... no... no...!`` My voice held no convention at all as it trembled with the tears spilling from my eyes, sweat trailing along with it. ``I don't want this...!``

``You don't have to hate it so much. It hurts you know.`` Takano-san`s voice whispered. The clear agony of his words heightened the distress of my pleas. Misery in his eyes, he watched over my reaction as I lay beneath him, eyes wide open in fear and sympathy.

Yet his pained expression washed over with lust and desire as he began to devour me. The wolf took its prey, tasting every bit of it, in taking the intoxication of its sweetness. His tongue explored its way all over my body, finding places that I didn't even know I was sensitive to.

``Stop...no... don't...n-no!`` Aggravated over my ongoing refusal he pinned my hands over my head, leaving me exposed like an open book. My movement was limited, making me a prisoner chained to overwhelming force. ``Stop-``

Shutting me up, his mouth pounced onto mine again. His tongue entered the cavern in my mouth, flicking itself against the tip of mine. Thrusting his tongue in and out while biting the bottom of my lip, he left it to under go the torture of hot pleasurable pain. Massaging my tongue, he pressed harder as his kissed got deeper. Pulling back, our tongues hanging loosely in the air, a thread of saliva connected us as my own spit was falling down the corners of my lips.

Trailing downwards towards my exposed skin, I could hear the popping sound of my pant's button being taken off. I felt the bottom half of my body being exposed to the air as the denim fabric rub against my sensitive skin as it was pulled towards my knees. Losing breathe, I watched blankly as Takano-san placed his fingers into his own mouth, lubricating them with his own saliva before using the saliva coming from my mouth to finish them off.

``Relax.,`` was the only warning he gave me as he teasingly placed his fingers in the entrance of my hole.

`Mnn...n-no... nn! Ah...!" The sudden invasion left me to curl outwards as his warm fingers increased the temperature of my body's chemical reaction. Moans escaped their prison while I let them, his digits scissoring inside of me. Purposely, he let the wet sounds of my ass to be heard within all the moaning and pants as he continually pressed the button that released pleasure inside my body, hitting my prostate gland every time he thrust his fingers. Liquid was spilling at the tip of my own as well as Takano-san's that was budging against the fabric choking it.

``Hah...hnn..." His fingers left my hole, giving me emptiness of the lack of warmth. The sound of a zipper coming down and something hot pressing against me made me shudder as the thing pressed itself against my hole.

``...!" Thrusting inside of me, I hitched upwards as the new intrusion filled up the emptiness left by Takano-san's fingers. The new sensation of our bodies being connected with one another brought back old and new feelings of the past with nostalgia of each others warmth.

"Ah... ah! Ah!" With each thrust, came a new shock of pain and pleasure and moans and pants along with it. He seemed to know every part of my body: what it needed, what it wanted, and because of this knowledge, he wanted to spoil it; spoil it until it loved him, spoil it until it hated him, or both.

``Ritsu...Ritsu...Ritsu...!" My name being called out to with his velvet voice turned me on even more as I felt myself becoming crazier with every second going by. ``...I love you.``

Kissing me more, he brought me into a sitting position, straddling me against his hips. The new position brought new angles, increasing my wanton body's craving for more. Pushing upwards and deeper into me, Takano-san was building up into our climax as no new words were exchanged; only moans, wet sounds and our tongues dancing.

``D-don`t...uhn!`` Increasing his pace, I could only move my body at the same time. Our skin producing friction as we moved in synchronization with one another breathing. I could feel myself losing it as we both were a second away from our release.

``Hyaa...nghh!`` Our cum splattered against my chest as we hit climax. Panting, Takano-san pulled himself out, exposing a sea of cum dripping down out of me.

``Ha...ah..." Catching our breaths, I rested my head against Takano-san's chest as we both fell back. His arms welcomed me while my eyes welcomed exhaustion.

"I'm never letting you go," was all I heard before darkness consumed me along with the warmth of Takano-san's body beside me.

=.=.=.=.=.=

The Sun's call woke me up as rays of light seeped through the window blinds. The peaceful face of Takano-san greeted me as I watched his chest fall up and down. Our actions last night left me wondering if they were due to the cloudiness of Takano-san's cold. Feeling his forehead, I sighed as his temperature had gone down back to normal.

Watching over him, sleeping there peacefully, I wished that I could wake up to this face every morning for eternity. His soft breathing reminded me of a wind's melody, a treasure in its own self. His black locks were dangling above his eyes before I brushed them back. Staring at him, I smiled to myself for being able to witness the beauty of happiness in front of me. Snuggling in, I gave him a soft brush of my lips onto his, before I fell back to sleep again in his arms.

=.=.=.=.=.=

_05-28-2008_

_Dear somebody: _

_Someone other then my family has found out about my secret. I don't know what's going to happen from now on but I hope this path won't end up being a bumpy one. And, my feelings for Takano-san seem to have resurfaced again. I just wish I will be able to keep them hidden to the end. _

_These letters, I wonder what's going to happen to them when I'm gone, but whoever finds them, I hope that you will be able to fulfill your own love which I don't have the ability to do. _

_Sincerely,_

_Ritsu Onodera_

=.=.=.=.=.=

_*Eloise and Abelard is a love story between a scholar and his student who were separated by the student's uncle when he found out about their relationship. They both loved each other but since they couldn't be together Abelard became a monk while Eloise became a nun. However, the couple still loved their partner and sent love letters to one another that were later published. _

**Sorry I haven't updated in forever, I know, but like report cards are coming up for my school and like all the teachers decided to slam down all these projects and tests and homework on you so they can put them in for marks bringing your fricken grades down by like 10% and then you're going oh shiz bc your parents are going to kill you and yeah... but I'm safe for the most part with that stuff. Anyways I know I probably have ALOT of spelling errors and such but I was in a rush to update and didn't get a chance to use Microsoft Word because I'm using my laptop which only has WordPad. But this week I have a 4 day long weekend (woohoo!) so I'll be taking the time to edit all my chapters that I've done so far, so when your alerts says I've updated but no new chapters are up, that just means I re-uploaded a new version of some chapters ^.^ AND SEKAIICHI HATSUKOI SEASON 2 ANIME HAS COME OUT! YESS! but they took out all the hot sexy scenes in them T.T oh well still happy~ And guys I know my sex scene sucks ass cause, well I have NO experience whatsoever with these types of things and well yeah... warning: many awkward moments occurred as "research" for this scene were being conducted OTL But luckily I wasn't caught! Woot! Hopefully this chapter was up to your expectations and there WILL be conflict between Ritsu and Yokozawa later on. BTW I will probably edit Yokozawa and Ritsu's scene in this chapter when I edit it over the weekend because I'm going to add more umph! into it/ more tension. Also chapter 10 I will make clear of what's going on with the letters because I know a lot of you guys have questions over it and such so just hold on to them all until then ^^ Anyways I'll see you guys later! Bye~Bye!**


	7. Chapter 7: Dandelion

**A/N: So, it's been like what? 4 months since I last updated? So I can see that my death has been brought to question and actually yes, I did die; you see studying for midterms was torture which I barely survived, then exam week came and stabbed me in the back, then finally, the finishing blow was getting my grades back. Thankfully I resurrected after I slept in during my one week off. And now I'm back! Ahahaha and I would like to apologize for delaying my update for so long. I told you guys I would update in the end of December or January but as you can see it's like mid- February. To be honest I was really lazy and I forgot where I left off on the story but that's okay because it's all good now. Anyways long awaited chapter 7 is here! Story go go go!**

_Chapter 7- Dandelion_

_Faithfulness is a double-edge sword when it comes to love._

=.=.=.=.=.=.=.=

For the last two weeks, the memory of that day kept playing in my mind like a film. Yokozawa still treated me the same with the occasional bickering. On the outside it seemed like nothing changed between us but we both knew better. However, neither one of us brought up the topic of that night; not yet anyways.

The real problem lied with Takano-san who was hazy about what we did due to his cold. I tried to give him an excuse as to why we were both naked and in my bed, but I couldn't come up with anything and just kicked him out of my house before he got the chance to ask any questions. Even if I were to come up with an excuse, I knew neither one of us would buy a single word of my lies.

It was obvious that he wanted the full story about that night, or rather clarify, that the things we did weren't just a dream; his actions was enough to justify his purpose. Chasing me for answers gave me more of a reason to avoid him during and outside of work. It has been hell trying to get away from him and again I'm being hunted down by this hound dog in our apartment complex.

"Onodera." His voice echoed behind me, trying to catch up to my pace.

In return I gave him no reply, trying to escape even further from his grasp. Thankfully he couldn't catch up to me before the elevator doors closed and only cold metal stood between us. When the doors reopen, I was met with a different floor; away from Takano-san.

I hastily pulled out the keys to my apartment, just in time to as I heard the elevator announcing its arrival. Barely escaping through my apartment, I saw from the corner of my eyes, the elevator doors opening to reveal Takano-san and his angry voice.

"Hey, Onodera! Don't you run away from me!" he said, matching the timing of the sound of my door slamming.

The sound of footsteps from the other side of the door, kept getting louder and louder until I heard nothing, the block of light from underneath the creak of my door was enough of an indication of his presence.

"That night; did _I_ do something that night? No, did _we_ do something that night?" Like always, I could hear the desperation in his voice and like always, I could hear my heart shattering. But there was no way I would let him confirm my feelings for him.

"N-no! Nothing happened! Now go away, you're bothering the neighbours."

"You know you're a really bad liar." there was a small chuckle in his words but a sad note followed close behind.

"S-shut up!" and to my surprise, he really did. I thought that he left, that he was gone, and I felt no relief over that idea. Caught within' my assumptions, his voice resurrected in the emptiness while I was drifting into my own thoughts.

"Even if you still continue to reject me, I still want to believe we did do something that night. With this I can at least cling onto the hope for us." with a sigh, his shadow moved away from my door while I listen to the sound of his footsteps disappearing.

_There is no hope; not for us. _With just the thought buried in my mind, I went off into the darkness of my room, brushing away this incident as if it never happened.

=.=.=.=.=.=

"Ricchan, do you know what happened to Takano-san?" Kisa asked discreetly pushing me aside to cast a glance over the troubled expression written on Takano-san's face.

"I-I don't know." Obviously I knew what was wrong with him, but it's not like I was going to admit it to someone.

"Don't know what?" Kisa-san's expression immediately darkened and when I turned around, the face I expected to see greeted me with a scowl. We both made eye contact with one another but I quickly averted my gaze back to my panicking coworker.

"N-n-nothing sir!" and like a mouse escaping the grasp of a cat, he hastily returned back to his desk, leaving me behind to fend for myself.

"I need to talk to you." Yokozawa-san said, as if it were completely normal. Walking away, I trailed after him like a lost child, to a place that welcomed isolation in the busy work place.

"W-what?"

"What did you do?" his reply caught me off guard; his vague question with his expectency that I understood what he meant, left me utterly confused.

"What do you mean?"

"I know Takano-san is all depress because of you. Got me thinking if you really love him, making him suffer like this." The way he said it gave me no room to say anything about my case. Although I thought this, his next question gave me a chance to redeem myself.

"Do you honestly love him?"

Slightly hesitating, I gave him a nod, wanting him to get a glimpse of my feelings stirring inside me.

"If you really love Masamune, tell him the truth!" His voice raise a bar at each word, leaving him breathless by the end of his sentence.

Although I shook my head, I could understand why Yokozawa-san was getting mad at me; a stubborn, head-strong kid whose actions make no sense to the world, obviously anyone would be mad at a person like this. But his thoughts were based on sympathy; only those who feel empathy for me would understand why I'm doing such a thing.

"Why! What's the point of all this if you're hurting too?"

I didn't know I casted my eyes away from him- maybe it was because of guilt- but when I met them again, they weren't the same when I last saw them. Instead, I saw the eyes of a confused child, agonizing over a complex question that he can't find an answer to; no matter how hard he tried to put the pieces together, he could never solve the mystery of the unpredictable human mind. And when he realized he would never be able to find an answer, the agitation revealed themselves in his eyes; filling them up to the brim but not enough to let them fall.

"If you're going to act like this, I'll take Masamune for myself." although his words were meant to hurt me, he seemed to be hurt by his own words.

Although it was suppose to hurt me, I knew in reality that he just wanted a glimpse of my emotions, my thoughts; anything, whether they existed or not. I flattered him with nothing of anger or devestation but only with a slight movement to my lips was enough to leave him speechless at the sorry smile being sent to him.

"If you can do that, I'd be grateful."

For a moment, there were no words exchanged between us and the only thing that I seemed to notice was the reflection of myself in the eyes looking at me aghast by my words. When I felt the tightening of my collar wrapped around my neck, I looked up from the hand crinkling my shirt and into the face filled with pure hatred. The hatred for myself in the form of another person, brought another smile to my face, annoying the other. But the feeling just was too much and my gaze fell away to the side.

"You bast-"

"If you could do that, maybe it would take away the pain I gave to him." In the corner of my eye, I could see the fist stop in mid-air. Returning my attention away from it and to the side again, I continued on without looking back at the speechless face of the hand's owner.

"I don't deserve to be in love; I don't deserve to be loved. If at least one of us can be happy, then that's enough for me." and this time I looked back, to see the feelings of guilt rushing into his face; adding more to the glass that held his emotions, tipping it to the side, spilling a single drop down his face.

And for awhile, we just stood there. His grip loosen from my collar but it never let go and instead clutched onto it for support.

We were both oblivious of our one-man audience that was watching us around the corner and continued to indulge ourselves in our own little world of guilt until we both parted ways; again in silence.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

_I just want to get this done and over with._ The scene of both Takano-san and I sitting in the middle of my living room, surrounded by sheets of papers, just made me dreed that moment. If only we hadn't been assigned to make some last minute story board changes, I would be all alone in my apartment, not having to pretend that I couldn't see the glances that Takano-san past on to me. And as if he could sense my thoughts, he asked the same question he did all week as well in which a set of the predictable responses that followed afterwards.

"Did we really not do anything that night?"

"Y-yes!"

"I still don't believe you."

And just like a neverending chase for nonexistent answer, the cycle restarts all over again. For the rest of the time, the only sound that passed in the air was the rustling of papers that seem to shiver under our own awkward atmosphere. Just wanting to break the ice, I plucked up the courage to say something again.

"Want anything?"

"Tea."

Silence was drowned by the sound of water boiling, and soon afterwards our faces were clouded by the hot steam that escaped into the air. The thin film of moisture evaporing finally revealed the wall of our relationship; now physically visible, we both just stared at it in a daze.

_"...they both know that they will never be able to replace the real thing."_

Yokozawa's words of sincerity seemed to be the only thing going in my mind. Had I been actually paying attention, I would've stopped my self from asking Takano-san one question that could reveal the one answer I've been waiting to hear all this time.

"If someone very important to you were to be gone one day, what would you do?"

While the words came out of my mouth on its own, my mind did not register my actions until they were out in the air for both of us to reflect. Rather then being flustered over the ordeal, I watch closely at the reaction of the man in front of me; who in return stared right back at me. The teacup that once were caught upon his lips, slowly left them leaving moist lips behind. I could feel him trailing my every move, and I knew that my question was bringing suspicion in his mind. Really, when his mouth moved, air finally found its way back to my lungs, only to be caught in my throat when his voice echoed in my ears.

"I don't know because I don't want to have such scary thoughts." while his words sunk in, the globes of darkness that were staring at me only seemed to enhance the pounding in my chest.

To be scared, I've always been familiar with those feelings. Fear for me was like a cloak; always covering me so that nothing outside can enter, hiding me away from everything else. This weakness, only those who understand the pain of losing something so precious can understand pain and say something so truthful, so universal. Just the terrifying thought itself can cause you to tremble under the blankets like a frightened child in the dark.

When I continued to look at the man in front of me, I couldn't help but wonder if he was saying this because of his naiiveness or rather from a past scar. And if it's the latter, what was the cause that left him to curl up into a ball in the depths of his own damination? Or more like was the reason connected to me? And that's when the mist covering my thoughts cleared up to reveal another question that tugged the shirt of my mind.

"What if I leave you?"

I was not ready to see the burning turmoil of his emotions when he gazed back at me, beweilder that I even brought up such a sensitive topic.

"Even if you want to get away from me, I'd just follow right after you. Never again do I want to live a life without you!"

A replay of the high school drama I took part in came back to haunt me with the feelings I had back then. The thing about Takano-san is that his strong and weak point are the same; his faithfulness. And that thought made me smile at his foolishness, how I'm going to miss it.

"Onodera, what's on your mind?"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, why do you always have this distant look on your face? Is something wrong?" I didn't realize that the smile on my lips had fell off and when he pointed it out, I felt the guilt stir inside of me. But those feelings were replaced with shock as the next thing I knew was that his hand was slowly approaching me, inches away before our skin came into contact. This development was something I wanted to avoid and reluctantly I jumped back only to knock the table spilling the contents of my cup onto my flesh.

"Ouch!"

"Idiot!" Alerted by my pain he brought his attention to the red mark that started to swell on my hand, dragging me along the hallways of my own home and into the bathroom, running cold water under it. Slowly the pain became bearable and I felt grateful for Takano-san's concern.

"Thank you." Turning around to look at his face I finally came to realize about the position we were in with this close intimacy between us; one of his hands were drowning in water along with my injured hand while the other found itself gripping me around my waist. However, what drawn me the most was the worry and concern that was all over his face. How much does this person love me?

"...why?" I asked, gaining his attention.

"Why what?" He murmurred as he continued to

"Why do you love me?"

Takano-san looks at him weirdly. "Do I need a reason to be in love with you? I love you; for 10 years I've been in love with you and that's all you need to know."

While both our hands continued to drown in the stream, Takano-san's fingers entertwined with mine, embracing my hand as he was doing with me. Then the world stop as the fluttering feeling of lips pressed onto mine registered into my mind. It was just a soft, loving kiss; no feelings of lust were felt but only love and longing. There was nothing that could describe the feelings of happiness to reply to his love. Yet, as happy as I was, I can't let him have me the reason for his happiness. Opening the eyes that I had not known shut they're doors, I gently pried myself away from him.

_I want to be by your side but I don't deserve your love._

"Please leave," and before he could demand for a reason, I let my barriers come down for a moment as I mumbled, "please."

_...I love you. _

And I guess it was enough encouragement for Takano-san because the next thing I knew was Takano-san letting go, his back facing me as I watch disappointed by his lack of resilence to stay. When I heard the sound of footsteps fading away I finally let all my emotions overtake my actions. The pain itself was too much and soon I found myself struggling to lean against the cool surface of the toilet seat, bile forcing itself against gravity's current along with the stream of tears that had no plans to stop flowing.

=.=.=.=.=.=.=

_06-05-2008_

_Dear whoever:_

_These letters, I'm really starting to think what's the point in writing them. Writing these letters might be just a waste of time; I mean no one's probably going to read them anyways. But I can't stop. I guess writing letters is probably when my heart is most at ease in this hectic life. If a day comes when someone does read these letter, which I hope won't happen, then I hope it's someone who doesn't know me because if the people I love were to read this, I don't know how they'll react. Even in heaven, I don't think I'll be able to bear it._

_If Takano-san comes upon these letters, I hope he realizes how much I love him through them because I really do. But it'd be even better if he never realizes it so I don't have to regret leaving him behind._

_I know my illness is getting worse and I can feel it eating me away. So much to do, yet so little time._

_Sincerely,_  
><em>Onodera Ritsu<em>

_=.=.=.=.=.=.=_

**I would really like to thank you guys for supporting this story. I felt really guilty when I kept reading all your reviews waiting for my update but because of all the constant reviews it became my motivation to finish so thank you. I kind of think I did a lot of time skipping and stuff, but hopefully that's okay. I do plan to edit this when I have completed this story, and yes I do plan to complete it because I hate to give up halfway through. So for now, sorry for all the spelling and grammar mistakes .**

**I'm having really conflicted feelings if I'm making Ritsu too much of a crybaby because I really HATE when people cry too much, especially in those mainstream shoujo romance mangas... ugh! But yeah hopefully his consistent crying is reasonable and yeah... **

**Uhm... I'll try to upload chapter 8 asap but we'll see xD **Anyways I'll see you guys later! Bye~Bye!****


	8. Chapter 8: Cyclamen

**A/N: Miss me? ;D Haha you guys thought I abandon this story right? Right? Right? LMFAO. Well I was pretty active on FF... in reading other fanfics that is . Also if anyone would like to explain to me about this whole non-yaoi policy going on in FF that'd be great because if they do have that I do have a backup account on yourfanfiction so yeah xD I guess I should do a shoutout to all my lovely and patient fans but I'm too lazy. Oh but **Tsuki Aizawa **I hope this is good enough of a reply to your PM ;D So thank you guys for all patiently waiting for like what? 4-5 months? Ahaha that must have sucked xD Although it seems like I'm being a mean little author for not replying to all these passionate reviews about updating, I'm sorry that I'm a sadist. Just kidding but yeah sorry and thanks for all the motivation because I'm actually really grateful and read every single review given to me. Since it's been so long maybe you should reread the series cause that's what I do when an author doesn't update in like forever to refresh my memory on what's going on unless you guys like reread the series during my absence then hahaha...Well anyways what you guys have all been waiting for... chapter 8: story go go go!**

_Chapter 8- Cyclamen _

_I can say goodbye to work, goodbye to my family, goodbye to my life, but for some reason I don't think I'll be able to be strong enough to say goodbye to you. _

* * *

><p>My sense of time is starting to fade away like all of my other senses as the days seem to past like years. It's been a routine of finding myself on the ceramic edge, coughing up my life, and trying to determine reality with reality. Even angels of death are watching me, horrified at my pathetic state. Each day I feel more pieces of my life breaking away.<p>

"Ugh!" There goes another portion of my life down the toilet. Down on my knees, I pressed my forehead on the cool toilet seat trying to break away from the excruciating pain even if it's just for a moment.

The contents whisking away from my sight, I focused my attention to the pill bottles scattered on the floor. Reaching blindly for one of them, trying to ignore the white dots fogging up my vision, I couldn't seem to feel anything. A simple task that can usually be done in mere seconds took me five minutes before I could get out of my white haze and find the bottle, loosely gripping it in my hand.

The rattling of blue and red beads echoed against the bathroom walls as my shaking hands prie the lid open. One red and one blue pill fell into the clasp of my hand. Searching around, I found what I was looking for: a glass of water on the sink counter. Looking up, exhaustion swept me away. Being help by the nearest wall, I found the support needed to get back on my feet. With my trembling knees I practically flail myself at the counter before I got a good hold of myself. The portrait welcoming me in the mirror made me turn away, too disgusted with the sight. The unruly hair that hasn't been washed for days, the pale complexion that makes even the dead seem tan, and the bloodshot eyes marked by insomnia would scare anyone.

_I need to go to the doctor._ And with that thought, the bitterness added itself with the rest of my tasteless life.

* * *

><p>"I'm sorry Onodera-san but it seems that we'll have to push your admission to the hospital for your examination tests schedule for September to next month. I need you to request for a 6 month leave starting July. At this stage though, I think it's best if you stop working." Monotone, the doctor wrote another perscription note without looking up once.<p>

"Of course doctor." I replied. Even I agree that I can't keep up with work anymore. It's already enough that I was allowed to live my dream as an editor; it'd be selfish if I ask for more.

This time the doctor looked up, trying to make eye contact hoping he could read through me, only to fail as I turned away. He sighed, given up I suppose. I thought it was over, so when he shot me his next question I was taken aback.

"But to have your condition worsen to such an extent, is there something stressing you out?"

At once the voice haunting every part of mind rattled inside my head.

_"Onodera, I love you."_

_"...It hurts to see you act as if my existence means nothing to you."_

_"How many more times do I have to say for you to understand that you're my life?"_

_"Please don't leave me. I love you,"_

_"Even if you want to get away from me, I'd just follow right after you. Never again do I want to live a life without you!" _

_"I love you; for 10 years I've been in love with you and that's all you need to know."_

Slowly I lifted my head up and turned to stare back at the doctor, finally meeting his eyes.

"No, sir. Nothing at all."

* * *

><p><em>How do I hand this in?<em> Constently fumbling the files in my hand, I waited for the elevator to arrive. _I have to give it to a superior but I definitely can't give this to Takano-san!_

"Wait, I'm getting on!" The appearance of the financial head left me gawking as I watched him rearrange his cool composure.

"Ah... G-good morning."

"Oh it's you. Don't make me look at people I don't want to see first thing in the morning," was his greeting, soon followed with awkward silence. His eyes travelled downwards and I would have laughed at how his eyebrows quirked in curiosity but I could only pay attention to how the papers in my hands were reflected in his questioning eyes.

Before I got to answer, all of a sudden the doors swung open and we were on the floor that Yokozawa-san was getting off at. He too notice and guess it was his cue to leave.

"Yokozawa-san." Before I knew it I was out of the elevator, the doors closeing behind me as I got off as well. Staring at the papers in my hands and back at Yokozawa-san, I stretched my hand, the papers now in front of him.

"What's this?" he asked. I could feel the light burden being taken away from my hands as I looked up to see them in Yokozawa-san's instead.

"My resignation," I took a breathe and continued, "my illness suddenly turned for the worse and I have to be admitted to the hospital for some tests next month. But even after that I don't think I'll have the ability to continue working, neither does my doctor, so I think it's best if I quit altogether."

Expecting a reply, I went into a nervous breakdown when no words were said from the man in front of me.

_Maybe he thinks I'm pathetic for giving up or rather I'm bothering him with this or better yet, maybe he just doesn't care._

With jumbled thoughts in my head, I rambled an apology.

"Uh... Sorry maybe I'll ask someone else. I didn't mean to bother you or anything, it's just that you're the only person I can probably trust with the real reason why I'm leaving, not like I don't trust anyone else but you're the only one who knows the truth, and I'm just rambling so I'll just get that away from...you..."

My sentence slowly drifted off as I felt a warm presence on top of my head, patting me. Not wanting to get away from the warmth, my eyes looked up to see a small smile tugging at the corners at the usually stoic man.

"Though I don't want to, I will admit you did your job well. Finish up your last proposal before you leave though; I don't think your the type to leave your work unfinished. I won't tell anyone about your resignation, including Masamune." By the end, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Yokozawa-san's hand retreated back as he looked down at me seriously.

"Can I ask you a question?"

Looking up, I couldn't meet Yokozawa-san's eyes. His hair casting a shadow, all I could do was nod.

"Do you love Masamune?"

To say the least, I was surprised by the question. But with no hesitation in my answer, I replied right back.

"...Yes, I do."

The sound of a hum ringed in my ears and I could feel the blood rushing to my face at his contentedness of my answer. When I blinked the normal Yokozawa-san returned so fast that I felt like everything was a hallucination.

"Leave or else your going to be late for work," he said breaking my train of thought.

Bowing, I turned my back retreating to the elevator. To my surprise Takano-san was staring back behind the opening doors.

"What are you doing here? This isn't our floor."

"N-nothing," I stuttered as I step into the confined space. Looking back at Yokozawa-san's retreating figure, a sudden realization hit me.

"Yokozawa-san!" In the corner of my eyes I could see Takano-san giving me an incredulous look but I waved it off as I saw Yokozawa-san turning around.

"Thank you, really, for everything." Feeling the corners of my lips tugging upwards, I gave him a small smile like the one he gave me earlier.

The last thing I see of Yokozawa-san before the doors close was a retreating figure, his hand outstretched in the air. At the small gesture, I couldn't help but keep my smile I haven't shown in a while on for a bit longer.

"When were you and Yokozawa so close?" The voice beside me dropped my smile immediately.

"...We just sorted our misunderstanding, that's all." It was true. We finally cleared up the feelings I have for Takano-san... that I love Takano-san.

"Onodera?"

I love him, I love Takano-san. There was no point in denying this fact; No matter when or where, I'll always be right behind him, caring for him, yearning for him... Loving him.

"Onodera!"

"Huh?" Blinking back to reality, I saw Takano-san giving me a worried look through the opened doors.

"Aren't you getting off?"

Numbly I walked out, following after his steps.

"Are you okay?" he asked, noticing my wariness.

"I'm fine," and before he could notice the redness of my face, I dashed into the office, avoiding his gaze for the rest of the day.

* * *

><p>"What the hell are you doing here?" I asked, bewildered. The day had ended at a good note with me avoiding Takano-san at work the whole time. And when I finally thought I could get a breather, there he was right in front of me, acting like there was nothing wrong with his visit at all.<p>

"Well I wouldn't be here if you would actually start taking care of yourself," Takano-san said, taking a step inside my apartment, "Like stop sleeping on the floor."

"H-how did you know that?" If only I could control my blood flow, my face wouldn't be as red as it was now.

"So I was right," he smirked at successfully catching me redhanded.

I could only sigh in relief when his attention went elsewhere.

"Whats all this?" When I looked up, I saw Takano-San carrying the bag of medicine I bought the previous night. Shit.

"N-nothing." Luckily I was able to snatch the bag away on my first try. But looking at Takano-san's unconvinced face, I knew I had to make up more lies.

"I... I was sick a couple of days ago. I guess I was being stupid for buying all this medicine." Nervously I laughed but thank the heavens he didn't get a chance to read the labels.

"Why is there nothing in your house?" Sure enough, everything was already packed up in boxes in a storage room, away from Takano-san's sight.

"I just need the basic necessities to live so who cares?" I said, hoping my voice wasn't quivering.

"If you lived with me, I would make sure to take care of you." the seriousness in his tone made me stiff. It wasn't until I realized I couldn't breathe what kind of predicament I was in.

The hot mouth covering my own turned the temperature up five million times hotter. Slowly and consciously, the mouth started moving, advancing with such intimacy that I could only stand there. I guess it was enough to urge Takano-San on because I could feel a wet muscle probing against my mouth, waiting. As much of a liar I have become, I'm not that good when it comes to lying myself. I needed this. Just one time to know what I could've had if I wasnt such an idiot. One last selfish request

Silently, I cracked open, enough for him to enter. As soon as his tongue came in, this chaste kiss deepen into something more than just pure feelings. The desire for more and the need for reassurance overtook itself in the race. I just let him take control: mind, heart, everything, just for this moment.

Not being able to control the pleasure of being stuffed with two tongues, I couldn't stop the sounds coming out of me. Satisfied, Takano-san thrust his tongue deeper, pushing against my tongue as if trying to tie a knot with me.

Lacing his sleek muscle at the top wall inside my cavern, I started returning the favor. Hastily, I withdrew his mouth from mine. Catching a quick breathe, I captured his tongue swiftly before he could withdraw it back inside his mouth. A low growl vibrated deep in his throat as I carefully nipped at his tongue.

One push forward, and I was stripped away from any freedom of movement. His arms had encircled around me, supporting my shaky legs that I didn't know were trembling. A rough hand cupped my cheeks so gently that I could almost cry from the kindness, if I wasn't already crying.

Suddenly the warmth had left me all alone. Opening my eyes that had closed without my knowledge, I could see the heated stare of the man who could only make me feel so whole. The sight of white string connecting us in replace of red made me shiver in excitement.

We were both trying to catch our breath. My face flushed by the erotic act, I could only do so little to try to settle down the colour overtaking my features.

"T...Takano-san." his name came out of my mouth automatically. I couldn't help how wantonly it sounded either.

"Ah!" As soon as his name came out, I felt the floor disappear beneath my feet as I was lifted up and over Takano-san's shoulder. How easily he maneuvered around my house made me question how many times he has been here. That or how lazy the people who made this complex must have been to make every single room the same.

Finishing up my last thought, I felt arms release me. A cushiony landing broke my fall. Lying back first, arms confining me, the only choice I had left was to look up. And like always, he was the only one I could see. Maroon orbs starring at brunette ones; moments like these were what one lives for.

As quick as time seem to pass, the innocent exchange of looks became an exchange of lip locking. But instead of freezing up, I gladly responded back this time. Weaving fingers in a forest of locks I brought Takano-san in closer.

Our tongues were in a world of their own, pushing and pulling each other. Exactly like the game we play everyday. Hot breath caressing my skin and the sloppiness of the kiss just made it so much better.

He grazed my tongue, an act of revenge for before. The moans wouldn't stop and I was transported back into reality: I needed air. I tried to pull myself away but Takano-San already got the picture and tackled my jawline instead.

Licking the tears that never ceased to stop, his hot breath brushed away everything away as his mouth fixed itself on the tip of my ear.

"Ritsu," came my name softly out those mystical lips. The way he is able to stop my heart with just a whisper of my name was like I was spellbound only to Takano-san.

A small whimper escape from my lips as he sucked underneath my ear, ravishing the spot in all its glory. Leaving the area to travel further down, he painted his path red to mark the white rose underneath him. His lovemaking was slow and steady. Probably reminding himself that this isn't a dream and hoping he could make it last forever.

As much as I loved the attention he was giving to my body, I couldn't help but urge the attention towards my lips instead. Taking the initative, I stopped in the middle of his ministrations starting to get up. He cautiously allowed me to move, afraid that I was going to make a break for it. If I wasn't so sad over this farewell, I would have been pleased by the surprise look he gave me when I swooped down and let our lips fell against one another.

Intertwining my fingers in roots of black, I pressed our kiss deeper hoping to express all my unexpressed feelings bottled up inside of me. Whether he got the message or not, the satisfication of being kissed was returned by a soft growl and a hand cupping my cheek. It was just a naive kiss filled with sincerity. No tongue, no biting, just lips meeting as if it were the first time.

Blinking my eyes back open into a half-lidded state, I watched the other, eye's still closed, his face radiating in happiness. And I could only feel that twinge of guilt for making him so happy that I shouldn't be doing. Breaking our small kiss, I placed my own hand over the one on my face. Takano-san's fluttered open, and I just had to catch my breath when curtains of skin revealed what were found behind.

Mesmerized and captured by those eyes, I let my joy find its place on my face. The sight of the reflection of my smile in his eyes made me choke. Who would have thought I could still be happy at a time like this? Watching Takano-san's face turn from speechless to content to distress made me chuckle. It was to my delight to know that I was one of the few, the only one, who could make that stoic face show so many expressions at once.

Meeting his eyes, I brought his hand towards my lips. Carefully, I brushed his fingers with my mouth before enveloping them into my mouth, all without breaking his gaze. Watching me doing such erotic things to his fingers made his worried demanor wipe off by mesmerization. Deliberately I took each of his three fingers separetly, wanting to cherish the man before me. As fast as time was going, it seemed to be forever until I deemed his fingers ready for me to take in. Taking them out of my mouth, saliva split over the edge and drool came trailing down my face. The whole process made Takano-san stay in a trance as he stayed still during the entire process, captivated by my every move. Still caught in his trance, I grabbed the hand I just made out with, pulling down with me so we were back to our original positions.

Now laying back first, I could admire how the moonlight seeping from the window enhanced the features on Takano-san's face making him much more alluring (if that was even possible). Brushing away a strand of hair cascading from his face, I let my hand wander down Takano-san's face painstakingly slow but not slow enough. There would never be another opportunity like this again. As best as I could, I tried to etch his warmth into my touch hoping that one day I would remember it.

My hand falling from his face, I gripped his coated fingers again, letting them skid against my skin. The feeling of his warm fingers coated with my cool salvia made me quiver as they reached their destination. Retreating my hand back to my side, my guidance had ended there and it was his turn to take control.

"Ritsu," he cooed. I looked up away from his fingers to his face. His face showed nothing but his eyes told me everything.

"I love you." As many times I've heard it, those three words get me every time.

Placing both of my hands on either side of his cheeks, I brought myself up to meet him with another chaste kiss.

"Thank you," I said in a whisper that seemed to coincide with the air. To say Takano-san looked shocked was an understatement. His blithe eyes that seemed to gather tears and his smile told me what my words meant to him.

"Ritsu," he murmurred against my lips. "Ritsu."

"Ah!" A wave of pain bursted out as a finger probbed inside my entrance. Lightly and tentively, he began moving his index finger in and out, curling against my walls all the while.

"Relax. I'm here," he said; the only warning he gave before inserting a second digit.

"Taka-ah...no-san!" There was that burning sensation numbing up my body, calling for tears into my eyes. As they spilt, saliva dripped down my chin, merging the two different liquids into a new solution. If Takano-san was a chemical indicator, he would have made the liquids turn red as he licked them up while saying sweet nothings against my skin.

I could feel his fingers inside of me crossing each other, paving its way deeper and deeper in attempt to quickly expand my inner walls. Soon enough a third party joined in making me silently scream from the intruding pain.

As much physical pain there was, nothing could compare to the emotional pain of years fighting. And nothing could compare to the immense pleasure that soon followed up.

"Wah...Ah! T-there...!" All three of Takano-san's fingers found that sweet bundle of nerves making me tremble in pleasurable warmth. Lavishing in my moans, Takano-san erratically plurged his fingers in and out of me before deeming my body ready for his engroged member.

"It's okay. I'm right here."

And I knew he would be, but I wouldn't. But that's okay because he was here with me, at this very moment. Kissing him, he slowly pried the tight rings with his member as I silently screamed inside his mouth.

"So warm Ritsu. You're so warm... here in my arms." I could feel his smile against my skin.

And that's when the real tears came down.

"I'm so happy Ritsu, to know that you'll always be here in my arms. You don't know happy I am." Gently he licked my tears away, not knowing his actions just made me cry even more.

"Masamune."

All actions halted as Takano-san looked up with tear rimmed eyes. Smiling through my tears, I reached out to caress his cheek. Placing both my hands on his face, I brought myself up to meet his lips again. He met me halfway. It was simple, no tongue or teeth; just like our first kiss.

"Masamune." Wrapping my arms around his neck, I met his eyes signalling him to move.

"Ah!" He began to thrust himself all the way to the hilt, finding that spot immediately. He set a steady yet erradic rhythm that I followed soon afterwards to meet him halfway.

As his hair cascaded down his face, I could still see the smile framed with tears on either side. It hurt. To see such an expression I've never seen before. An expression of pure bliss just by one single name. Who would've thought I was that important to him?

Swooping down for another kiss, our tears framed the picture of bittersweetness.

Soon enough an explosion of pure white came between us. Exhaustion swept over us and I soon felt Takano-san's weight on top of me as he too came right after me. Yanking himself of to the side, I met his eyes. Again that expression I've never seen before greeted me.

"Ritsu... I love you." and he was out like a light.

I waited, and waited, and waited, until I knew he was fast asleep.

"I love you too."

* * *

><p>One eye, two eyes, blinked open. Greeting the morning with a yawn he sat up gently trying not to wake the other party. Watching the rise and fall of the chest of the man, a blissed smile appeared on the stoic man's face. Giving a kiss on the temple of the sleeping beauty, he got up ready to leave for work. As he gather himself up, he went to find a pen and paper, leaving a message to the one still sleeping. Returning back to the room, where the man still slept peacefully, Takano-san gave another kiss, this time on the lips, whispering "I love you," before leaving the apartment.<p>

Little did Takano-san know that Onodera was awake, well he was never sleeping in the first place. Staying up all night to watch Takano-san, Onodera imprinted the sleeping face of the man as a momento.

Getting up he found the note the man left behind.

_Dear Ritsu,_

_You don't have to come to work today. I'll be coming over later. I love you._

_Masamune_

Ritsu began to cry again. Collapsing onto his knees. He stayed like that for seconds, minutes, hours, before he was able to gather himself up again.

Eat, shower, change, the same normal routine. But this time it would be his last in that apartment because today he was moving. Moving away without plans of ever coming back.

Going into the storage room, where all his belongings he has ever owned stayed, he took one book from a pile, a box containing letters, and a suitcase that held his basic necessities. Placing the key to his apartment on the table, he folded the letter from Takano-san into his pocket.

He took one last glance before closing the door one final time, leaving everything in that apartment behind. His belongings. His life. Takano-san. Abandoning all the things he loved, he let one single tear fall because he was happy. Happy to know he was happy, they were happy. They had their fairytale but it was all over. It will all just be a Once Upon a Time because it was just that. A story that could never see light for a future and stay forever as a happy memory of the past.

* * *

><p><em>06-29-2008<em>

_Dear Takano-san:_

_It's weird. I've never really meant to address these letters to anyone but now that I think about it, you always popped into my head whenever I wrote these letters. Maybe from the very start I was writing these letters to you._

_You know I'm a pretty messed up guy but that's partially your fault. I remember you told me I was able to say my feelings straightforwardly in the past. I never lost that. I just transferred it away, into these letters. My feelings for you, are all in these letters. Even after writing so many, I don't think they'll ever be enough to express how important you are to me. I could never tell you in person because I know it'll tie you down and I don't want to make you miserable after I'm gone._

_I wrote this letter after I left my apartment. After we did it and I called you Masamune for the very first time. I bet you were worried sick when you figured out I left. Sorry. If you never found out why I left, it was because I had to be hospitalized because my condition was getting worse._

_Sorry. Sorry for everything. I'll repent but please, never forgive me. Never forgive me for being so cruel to you. I don't deserve it. I love you so much. So please don't do anything stupid when I'm gone. Be happy because I'll be watching over you._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Ritsu_

* * *

><p><strong>I'm soo good man T^T Haha just kidding but this is like my longest chapter yet . But I guess that's nothing to be proud of since I had forever to work on it. Anyways since it's my summer break I'll be able to focus on writing which I couldn't do during school which I flunk all my finals in T.T Haha whatever my grades are pretty solid but my mommy is going to kill me OTL Anyways I can't promise anything because I suck at keeping promises but I'll TRY to work harder at updating. I was wondering which title you guys seem to like better:<strong> Flowers from a dying man **or my old title **A Purple Lilac and 12 Years Worth of Letters. **Leave it in a review or PM and I'll change it or leave it to whichever.**** So right now I'm really in love with 8059 from KHR so I might start writing other stories other than this one but I'll make sure to leave time in completing this story. My goal is to finish this story by the end of this year. But anyways I'll see you guys later Bye~Bye!**


	9. Chapter 9: Artemisia

**A/N: In my ****defence, if anyone has taken full IB and had a part-time job, you would understand how hectic and busy someone's life can be. In all honesty I got tired of this story because I kind of want to write more kinkier and darker stories. Always been a fan of hypnotism not going to lie and erotic hypnotism is like my top fetish right now. But I'm serious about finishing something when I want to so I'll try. However, I think oneshots or short stories are going to be my thing. Instead of being a writer, being a reader is so much more easier T.T But thanks for everyone's love for the story. Anyways don't mind my horrible sloppiness on this chapter. I just wanted to get it out there and make sure you guys know I'm still here ^.^ Anyways enjoy :D**

_Chapter 9-Artemisia_

___The past only becomes the past when you let it go. _

* * *

><p>The suffocating white world where purity or sanctuary can not be found for some in this confinement trapped the darting eyes trying to find anything to catch his attention away from the source of pain injected in his arm. Everyday it was the same routine: sleep, eat, puke, tests, treatments, medication, sleep, and the cycle continues. With the cover up of a place to heal, the prison was nothing of the sorts.<p>

Time seemed to stand still in the patient's heart during the last couple of months but the same could not be said to his physical appearance. Not even years seemed to be able to compare to the degrade of the youthfulness of the young soul in which illness took over his body. No signs of proper nourishment could be found; rather the man was all skin and bones. Not even his previous appearance before medications took its toll on his body could dare contrast what was left of him. And what he hated the most was to always be greeted by his appearance in his reflection as much as he wanted to run away from it.

And, even if it was temporarily, he was given the time to run away from the pain of reality for just a while.

"As much as the treatment we have given you has given us positive results does not mean you are free from any danger that occurs under your circumstances. In fact, your reactions may be even worse than before as the medication has weaken your immune systems," The doctor repeated for a second time.

"I understand." Eagerly the patient replied.

"I'm serious. The pain will probably double compared to before. As much as I want to keep you under surveillance, I understand it is not your wish to continue staying here," this time a sigh followed afterwards.

It really was a miracle and perhaps the help of sympathy that granted permission of his temporary release from this confinement. Trying his best to smile, trying his best to hide away his symptoms, trying his best to live; this hardworking nature of his prevented anyone to see or understand his everyday pain. His hell. But because no one could ever feel empathy for him, they could only give him one thing back to him, even if it was temporary. And that was his freedom.

"That's why until the next time you are admitted into the hospital, which I guarantee will be sooner than you think, we have given you permission to return back to your daily life under the conditions we talked about the previous day."

"Of course. I'm sorry for making you listen to my selfish request. I just don't want to waste my... time remaining." That heavy tension that always made its appearance during these situations, befell upon the two as both tensed.

"I don't think an apology is needed in this case. You're probably glad to be released, for now." A small smile spread across his lips.

Probably, the first time that something akin to a smile appeared on the fragile man's face as he took in the doctor's good intentions.

"Then, thank you for complying to my selfish request." Shaking the doctor's hands, the patient proceeded to make his way out of the room.

"Onodera-san," the doctor called. Knowing that he grabbed his patient's attention, he softly patted the grown man on the shoulder.

"I know you are a very capable and independent man but sometimes rely on others to help relieve the burden on your shoulder."

Too afraid to speak, in fear that his voice would crack, he gave a nod as the man in white watched as his patient bided his farewells.

* * *

><p>"So for this month's issue..."<p>

It's been four months, 23 days, 6 hours, 12 minutes, and 48 seconds since that fateful day that Onodera Ritsu disappeared into thin air. Now four months, 23 days, 6 hours, 13 minutes, and 36 seconds, but no one knew that the Emerald editor-in-chief was counting the time.

"Masamune, are you listening to me?"

But really, everyone knew. Everyone knew something was up with their boss. To have shaken their composed, stoic boss to the extent that he would drown himself in work until he collapsed into exhaustion, something big must have happen. Something so rattling that even Yokozawa had to give him a small vacation to give him time to recoup.

"Masamune."

And it took no idiot to piece the time of the news of a certain editor's resignation and their Boss' faltering health together, but no one had the heart to bring up the topic about their ex-coworker in front of their boss. Not another repeat of the first episode when the topic of Onodera Ritsu was brought up. Never again did they want to see the dead look in a living man. Never again.

"Masamune!"

Blinking back to reality, the editor slowly raised his head to meet the gaze of probably the only person who was aware of the pain he was suffering. That worried look in his friend's eye, made him feel guilty again.

"Sorry Yokozawa. I'm not feeling well," Takano murmured, not truly turning his attention to the manuscript in his hands.

"...You were thinking about that person again, weren't you?"

Yokozawa observed the visible stiffness of his friend in front of him. Even trying to hide his shaky breath, only to fail by averting his eyes even further away from the man. Distancing himself so no one else can come into his barricade. No one, except for that one person. And Yokozawa had already accepted he could never be that one.

"I don't know who you're talking about."

"Don't be so stubborn," Yokozawa sighed, "we both know, that you know, who I'm talking about."

"I wasn't thinking about him," abruptly Takano got up. "Anyways I'm already late for a meeting with one of my author's so I'm going out first."

He doesn't even remember that I'm aware if he has a meeting with an author or not.

"Fine. But I'm stopping by tonight," Yokozawa gave a defeated sigh.

"Don't," the emerald editor shouted, as he entered the elevator.

"I'm seriously coming over so don't go to bed before I get there!" Yokozawa called after him.

When he heard the sound of the elevator doors closing, Yokozawa collapsed into one of the empty chairs. Massaging his temples, he looked out the window to see Takano walk towards the direction of the train station.

"Who else will make sure you're taking care of yourself otherwise," Yokozawa quietly murmured under his breath.

Looking back on the conversation again, Yokozawa sighed.

"Baka Masamune. I didn't even said it was a guy."

* * *

><p>Shadows falling and rising when the only source of light came from artificial lamps hanging in the tunnel. The percussion of friction against the trail tracks sung along the background. People were just there, existing, each with their own life stories. Possibly drowning out the world themselves because not everyone lives in a world that happiness came freely. The editor in chief was one of those people.<p>

The last train of the night. The train that held some of the most important memories for the Emerald chief. The very train rides home that he has been dreading since the news of a specific coworker's resignation

Watching without really seeing, hearing without really listening, touching without really feeling, Takano Masamune continued to live the way he use to live during ten years of his life. The ten years without Onodera Ritsu. And now picking up where he left off, he continued again during the last five months. The five months where Onodera Ritsu could not be found. Again.

Sometimes he thought he was going crazy. Seeing a flash of those familiar green eyes. Hearing that familiar voice playing in his head. And when he really thought he was losing it, he could even feel the way his love's head rested against his shoulders the train ride home. And that was okay with Takano. If it meant able to see his love once more, he could go as far as forever let him. Yet the train ride home was a double edge sword. To Takano, it signified another day without Onodera Ritsu. Another day of taking the train alone since the news of Onodera Ritsu's resignation. And when he closed his eyes, that heartbreaking news would play over and over...

"He quit?" Everybody fell silent as the words left their boss' lips. Most understood his infatuation with the certain brunette editor and didn't have the heart to tell him the news. Of course Kisa-san would slip up right away.

"What do you mean he quit?" he repeated, not fully registering the news the first time. Or rather, hoping someone told him he heard it wrong. But the silence was enough of an answer.

"A-apparently Yokozawa-san handed in Onodera's resignation this morning." Kisa-san stuttered, cowering behind Kanada.

And as if on cue, the entrance of the sales department head walked into the office. All pairs of eyes turned to him and back to their boss, each holding their breath to see what would happen next. Everyone jumped as the next moment Takano was grabbing Yokozawa by the collar.

"What's the meaning of this?" Takano demanded, clenching his collar even tighter with every word. "Why did you have his resignation?"

The coldness in his voice could have frozen everyone in the room. But even the coldness couldn't fight against the anxiety, distress, and betrayal laced inside his voice.

"Masamune."

"What do you know that I don't?" Takano was already too far gone in his own world. Not even caring about the man in front of man, he slowly released his grip on his friend's shirt.

"Why is it that every time I take a step forward, he takes a step back?" His voice cracked.

"Why did I let him slip through my fingers... again." His mask cracked.

"Masamune. Onodera must have his reasons." Yokozawa muttered softly. It was like seeing the young Takano from those forgotten years so long ago.

"I know but I don't know! I don't know anything! I love him but I don't know anything about him because he won't let me, no matter how hard I try." His mind cracked.

"He's no piece of glass, Masamune. You should know that best," Yokozawa sighed when he received no response. Silently he brought his hand on Takano's shoulder.

"Just trust him. He's probably thinking what's for the best."

Dismissing himself Yokozawa left. Takano needed time to recoup by himself. He understood in this situation, he was helpless. Yet he still couldn't help but feel how stupid the two involved were being. Even knowing the full story didn't make it any more easier to understand. With a sigh, Yokozawa left the dishearten man alone.

After unknown measures of time, Takano stirred in his conscious slumber. But it was a nap that he never wanted to wake up from in fear of the pain that would greet him back in reality.

"It hurts."

... over and over, until finally:

"It still hurts," he muttered under his breath.

The pain clenching his heart that day had never let go. Feeling the dead heartbeat against his chest, he closed his eyes in hopes to return back to that world with him in it. Cause that day where he was not greeted by his smile, Takano's heart gained another crack.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: During this transition I have switched to third POV if you haven't noticed by now. I might come back to re-edit this chapter but for now... THANKS FOR WAITING AND ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT! **


	10. Chapter 10: Primrose

**A/N: Ayyeee look who's back after 2 years of not updating. Whoops! I didn't know time could fly by so quickly. I haven't actually been keeping tabs on this story for the last 2 years but recently I looked at it and I was shocked to see all reviews of continuing this story. I'm actually super flattered that so many people have indulge their time with my story and I can't begin to say how thankful I am for all the love. Since it's been a while I had to refresh myself with the context of my story and gosh I am kind of ****embarassed after reading it.**** Hopefully this chapter gives a smooth transition from the last chapter but anyways enjoy!**

_Chapter 10- Primrose_

_The only air I need is you but if you're not here with me, all I can do is suffocate._

* * *

><p>The clanking sounds of bottles echoed through the night as Yokozawa walked down the familiar streets towards Takano's apartments. The breathless night and his thoughts kept him company as he travelled alone. For the last couple of months all he could think about was Onodera's revelation and the suffering that came with it for both parties. Add to that, the utter devastation on Takano's face when he first heard the news about Onodera's resignation will forever be engraved into Yokozawa's mind. Everyone that was present will never forget how the death of a man's heart looked.<p>

What was even more infuriating was the fact he couldn't even blame Onodera for his actions because he understands. In fact, he's probably the only one that understands Onodera the best because he loved Takano too. It is exactly why he knew that Onodera was wrong. Why deny a person's love when you love them too? Happiness will always be fleeting. The only difference with Onodera and Takano's happiness will be time. But wouldn't it be better to experience a short-term happiness than never experiencing it at all?

The soft vibration in Yokozawa's pocket brought him out of his stupor. Pulling out his phone, an unknown number appeared on his phone.

"Yokozawa speaking," answered Yokozawa.

It was strange for anyone to be calling him so late at night but the voice on the other line made him forget any sort of suspicion.

"It's been awhile Yokozawa-san." The soft jingle of the voice replied.

"Onodera!?"

* * *

><p>Entering into his former apartment complex, Onodera Ritsu made his way up to his floor where two familiar doors stood beside one another. Passing by the door he wished he could be living in with a certain somebody, he pulled out a key and entered into his apartment room.<p>

The nostalgia of which Ritsu was able to live freely came back to him at the sight of the familiar setting. Even though his belongings were no longer occupying the space in the room, his parents still kept paying the rent, believing that one day he will be able to return to it; permanently. And as he knew, as much as he didn't want to, not all wishes can come true. But it never hurt to dream. Well at least for those who were able to.

Exploring the complex, he found that someone had cleaned up the place. It no longer had items lying about; rather Ritsu could actually see the floor for the first time since he first moved in. Even his couch was no longer piled with dirty clothes or manuscripts. Quickly scanning the place, he was surprised to see that his bed was still there and for once was properly made.

"It's been so long," he said with a small smile, "I'm home."

So lost in his thoughts that he could not help but jump at the voice spoken behind him. The same voice that made sure to haunt him, to taunt him, as if his broken heart wasn't enough. The very voice in which he wanted to protect from sounding...just like that.

"This apartment is not for sale." The voice said. Shivers ran down Ritsu's back as he realized that underneath the annoyance and stringent of the man's tone, it carelessly exposed the vacancy of emotions a human should not carry when they spoke. To hear such an empty sound was enough to stir the inner turmoil Ritsu held.

_Takano-san. _Turning slightly, still keeping his face from Takano's point of view, he saw from the corner of his eye the man speaking behind him. He could barely make out any specific details but Ritsu knew, more than anyone, it was the very man he left behind.

"Sir, I'd advise you to get off this property right now. I don't know how you got in and I don't want to know but this complex shouldn't be for sale." Takano explained fluently as if this wasn't the first time someone entered.

Although he was listening, he really wasn't listening. Just that the emptiness occupying in his heart was being filled after neglecting his _longing _for his voice. His voice that caressed him on the nights when he was alone- so alone- that he would imagine that voice whispering against his air; warm breath of another living being comforting him in the darkness, reading one of those happily-ever-after books like he did in the past. Happily reciting beautiful words that seemed too good to be true. And most importantly reciting that one word the made his whole body shiver involuntarily.

_Ritsu. _

"Look. I'm watching over this place until its owner return, so leave." Not realizing that he was moving towards him, it came as a shock when he jerked Ritsu around to face him. At that moment three things happen: emeralds met hazel. Hazel met emeralds. Then nothing but silence.

Both men were taking their fill at the sight in front of them. Words caught in their throats, nothing was exchanged but the language communicating through their eyes. As Takano realized who was in front of him, who he was _touching_, he couldn't but help let out a quiet choke of a word that Ritsu barely caught.

"...Ritsu?"

And as much as Takano seemed to believe that he no longer had emotions, the inner turmoil registering in his heart could barely contain the longing, the happiness, the love, or the relief he was experiencing. All rushing back because of the man standing before him. He himself didn't even know what he was asking. To reassure himself of the existence of the owner of those wonderful emerald eyes was not a hallucination? To realize that he has finally gone crazy? There were so many questions running through his head that he didn't know which one he wanted Ritsu to answer. And due to his blur of emotions, he could only ask:

"Why?"

_Why did you return?_

_Why didn't you say goodbye to me?_

_Why did you leave me again?_

A start to all the questions he wanted to ask his love in front of him but never had the chance to find the end with answers. So preoccupied with his questions, it didn't register the close proximity between him and the younger man. In fact so, that it came to a surprise when he felt a pair of soft lips land upon his own. Looking down, he could see that the pair of eyes he love were hidden behind fluttering covers. Takano soon followed the example set before him, slowly closing his eyelids shut. To just feel. It lasted for only a moment. And in those few seconds, after that moment ended, so many things happened. When Takano no longer felt the soft pressure of delicate skin upon his, he opened his eyes to be greeted by the sage eyes that have always been engraved in his mind.

"What happened to you?" The younger man whispered as he trailed his fingers across Takano's cheek.

_"__He's been a dead man without you Onodera." Yokozawa sighed. Even without seeing him, Onodera could hear the exhaustion in his voice. _

_"__These last couple of years, the only time I ever felt alive was when I was with Takano," Onoders began, "but I don't want him to suffer because of my selfishness. Once I'm gone-"_

_"__Please." Yokozawa's broken cry pleaded. "If not for your selfishness, do it for him. I'm begging you." _

Suddenly he jerked back in surprise as if he couldn't believe what he had just done. Takano could already see it; Ritsu was going to make a run for it. And with no time to think he grabbed Ritsu by the wrist and pinned him against the bed behind him. A quiet yelp and the soft thud of two bodies falling on to the mattress before them, Ritsu found he had lost any chance of escape.

The scrutiny of the older man's gaze above him, nerved him to a certain degree. To be gazed upon by the man you love, anyone would feel uncomfortable in Ritsu's shoes. So, as if to escape those eyes bearing into his own, he looked away hoping to somewhat escape. But to no avail his eyes were guided back with a gentle movement of his chin by the forefinger and thumb of the man pinning him.

"You know... I told myself I would _never_ forgive you if you just ran off on your own again." A lick to his collar.

"But I...I'm even more scared-" a rush of hot air against his ear, "Of never being able to see you again."

A pause. To hold back the tremble in his own voice, Takano reassured himself that he was real; that the man with mesmerizing green eyes, tresses of the most softest brunette locks, and flawless ivory skin was here. That this man before him wasn't just going to disappear before him like some apparition because he couldn't even believe that a man that could manipulate his feelings like he did could ever exist. And he wouldn't let him get away a third time.

He closed his eyes. A breathe. "You don't have a damn clue how I felt these last 3 months. Even more so than those long 10 years. To know that I had you, determined to never let you go again, to just have you leave me again. So easily, and I couldn't even stop you. You have no damn clue how I felt!"

Reopening them to see that his love was still there, lying under him, he leaned down. Running his hand over Ritsu's face, he made sure to etch every single detail that had change the last time he saw the younger man.

"I never, _ever,_ want to go through that again."

* * *

><p>A moan echoed throughout the room as Onodera blossomed under Takano's touch on his bare skin. At some point, both their clothes had came off and Onodera was succumbing to the gentle yet passionate touches of the man above him. The feeling of Takano's hand tracing over his stomach gave him butterflies as he ventured lower and lower until he reached the erect penis dripping with pre-cum as it begged for attention.<p>

"T-takano..." Onodera jolted as he felt Takano grasp his length in a tight grip.

His entire body was shaking as Takano conducted his body to play for him. Soft moans and eager whimpers escaped his lips only to be silenced by the hot mouth against his. He could feel Takano's tongue press against his, as the foreign object invaded his senses. As it moved in his mouth, a small cry escaped him as their tongues intermingle. Takano dominated as he pressed harder as if seeking for something, only to ease off, guiding Onodera's tongue to the outside world. Pulling away, Takano observed the beautiful mess he created before him: hooded emeralds flattered by brown strands sticking against his face, Onodera's tongue hanging out of his mouth as a string of salvia secretly escape the corners of his lips. With hazed eyes, Onodera followed his movements as Takano's other hand that wasn't preoccupied with his penis slowly collected the salvia from the corner of his mouth, returning it to its origin. With his forefinger and thumb, Takano took hold of the hanging tongue before him conjuring the wonders it could do to please him.

With erotic elegance of a sex god, he presented Onodera with three fingers in which he eagerly accepted. He watched from above the way that tiny little pink mouth engulfed his fingers knuckle deep, feeling the way they swirled against that perky little tongue. At this point, the pleasure Takano was giving him rendered any thoughts from formulating in Onodera's mind. He didn't even realize how lewd he look; on his knees as both his hands grasped onto Takano's as he sucked his fingers off, saliva freely escaping from his mouth as he moistened the objects inside him. Takano was leaning against the bedframe watching all his obscene actions, turning him even more on.

A small whimper escaped his lips as he felt both of Takano's hands leave his body, feeling empty from the loss. He looked down to see that he was fully erect only to feel Takano gently guide his head down to stare at the other's length. Without any exchange of words, he slowly inhaled the others penis into his mouth. Swirling his tongue, he was rewarded the soft growl from the man above him. Without taking his mouth off Takano's length, Onodera looked up to see the obvious pleasure sprawled on the face of his beloved senpai.

Distracted by the erotic elegance of the man before him, Onodera failed to realize Takano's salvia covered fingers circling his entrance. A moan escaped his lips as he felt a finger slip into him. Pressing against the walls of his rectum, Onodera couldn't but moan against Takano's length. In seconds, he found his mouth suddenly empty as he was flipped over, his legs sprawled on either side of his superior.

"Say you love me." He could feel Takano's breath against his ear as his tongue slowly played with it.

_I love you. _

"Say it!" Two fingers were now in his hole.

_You're the only one._

"Say it..." A third had slipped in to join its' companions.

_I love y-_

"I love you."

The green eyed man widen at the statement, thinking he accidentally said his thoughts aloud, only to realize that Takano's lips were moving. He felt a soft kiss on his lips before he felt the fingers withdraw from his hole.

"I love you Ritsu." Takano whispered as he entered the man under him.

A single tear was his reply.

* * *

><p><em>11-01-2008<em>

_Dear Takano-san:_

_Do you remember the first time we met? It was so simple and yet it left such a huge impression to me because that was the first time I met the love of my life. Back then I thought I could be happy by your side in a small apartment, until the day we both die of old age. But that's not the case, is it? We both live in a small apartment but not together. We will die but I will die before you. I know you love me, I mean what kind of idiot loves someone for more than ten years? But I can't return your love even though you're the most important person to me. To give you a dream and turn it into a nightmare, I could never do that to you. That's why never forgive me for giving you and your heart pain because that may be the only medicine I can give you for when I'm gone._

_No matter what happens, I love you._

_Sincerely,_

_Onodera Ritsu_

* * *

><p><strong>I'll try my best to finish this story as it is almost done as there is about 2-3 more chapters to go. If you guys haven't figured it out, I'm kind of a sadist; making people believe I abandon my stories and then randomly updating. But again thank you guys so much for everything and hopefully I'll see you soon! <strong>


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